This Is How I Grieve

Today is day one of my week of self-imposed bereavement leave.  I thought I would blog each day so as to show what a bereavement leave might look like.  It is such a foreign concept here in the United States.  There are religious traditions that some people follow when it comes to a time of mourning, but as a society, we don't truly have a belief system in place that makes it clear that we all deserve time to process when we lose someone in our life.

Many people get two or three days bereavement leave from work.  My sense is that many people take this shortly after a death to handle all the necessary tasks involved after one's death, not to actually spend any time processing the huge event that has just occurred in their life.  And then it's back to work we all go.

Now, an argument could be made that my bereavement leave would look much different if I had taken it the week after my dad died.  And I would agree.  However, I knew enough to know that I could get through those first two to three weeks and could do that more easily with the distraction of work.  I will admit that the first week was overwhelming as I went back to work but it wasn't the work that was overwhelming.  It was the multitude of phone calls I was making all all the e-mails I was sending in order to handle all those post-death tasks.  Honestly, I'm still making phone calls and sending e-mails three weeks later, but they have slowed down considerably.

In my case, I love my job.  And I have a job where I have to remain focused and that focus is on others.  And I'm good at that.  I never felt conflicted or distracted in the past three weeks at work.  Quite the opposite, as I knew would be true, my work gave me a much needed ability to focus my attention somewhere else than on myself.  I think we're all pretty good at that.  However, in my case, I knew I was going to be taking time off.  I wasn't just trying to distract myself permanently.  Having previously dealt with the loss of my mom, I understood that when it got the hardest for me was immediately after her service.  That day after felt like I should have been feeling better.  Everyone else's life was going on and mine felt more upside down and different than ever.  I prepared for that this time.  That's why I planned this week the way I did.  I wanted the week off after my dad's service.  And so, here I am.

I gave myself three goals for this week. 

1) Meditate every day.  I have not had time for meditation since dad fell ill.  And I can feel the difference in me without it.  

2) Move my body.  I'm not calling it a work out.  Just some simple, easy movement every day that pushes me body just a bit out of its comfort zone and allows some of this grief to become more fluid instead of feeling stuck and stagnant inside my muscles and bones.

3) Drink lots of water and eat well.  I'll be honest, I've been surviving on coffee, wine and comfort food.  That does not make for a healthy body.  And I need to practice self-care and keep myself as healthy as possible in order to move forward in this journey.

So, how did day one go?

The day started out rough.  In part because last night ended roughly.  I am definitely struggling with sleep and dreams that wake me up often.  I couldn't sleep last night so I sat u p and finished "The Orphaned Adult" that I've been reading.  Fabulous book by the way!  I didn't get to bed until midnight and then when Olly left for work shortly after 4am, I couldn't get back to sleep.  I laid in bed until close to 7am when I must have crashed, but found myself waking up every 20 minutes or so until 9am.  I woke with aching muscles and a pounding headache.  I immediately wondered if I was going to be able to even remotely meet the goals I had planned for myself.  

I got out of bed, started a pot of coffee and then did a 10 minute meditation.  Oh...it felt like coming home.  I have missed meditation.  I then did five grief yoga poses.  The last pose, the corpse pose, was to be ended with a smile.  I forced that smile out of me and found it came with tears and that it was much harder than expected.  That was just a reminder of the work I'm doing here.  I can get up each day and do what needs to be done, but that pain is in there.  

Side note...I didn't mention the memorial service...I was dreading it.  When I got there I found myself shaking and wanting to run.  But it honestly turned out quite beautifully and was a lovely tribute to my dad.  And getting through the service was a big step in moving forward.  I did wake up yesterday feeling like someone had beat me up though.  So, it clearly took a lot out of me.

But back to today.  After the yoga, I handled some paperwork that needed to get done (a day still doesn't go by without some sort of task I need to do in relation to dad's death), fed the kids, made bread (just simple bread...no big deal...a little mixing, a lot of rising), and then Christopher and I sat down and planned out the Thanksgiving menu which he and I are going to cook.  That was fun.  And for not really looking forward to Thanksgiving, knowing that Christopher will be cooking with me makes it sound much more appealing and I'm even looking forward to it a bit.

And then I did it.  I got my body moving.  It took every ounce of willpower I had, but I did it.  I wanted to see how long of a plank I could hold and, although it was WAY harder than in the past, I was still able to hold a 2 minute plank.  I then did all three warrior poses and held them each for a minute on both sides.  Warrior pose 1, 2 & 3 have always made me feel strong and I needed the reminder that I am still strong.  I was pretty impressed I could still balance on one foot.  :)  Then I did a quick ride on my stationary bike just to get my heart pumping.  A mile and a half is still a mile of a half.  :)  I then did my standard arm workout (I probably won't be able to move my arms tomorrow, but it was worth it).  And then I brought out my trusty hula hoop and did 15 minutes of hula hooping.  And it all felt SO good.  I haven't felt that good in a long, long time.  My mood changed completely.

Then I got a few things done around the house including a good, full vacuuming that was desperately needed.  I'm pretty sure with all the pine needles I vacuumed up, I could have put together a small Christmas tree.  But I'm not complaining...because those pine needles mean I have trees. :)

Then...at 4:15pm...I finally took a shower.  That's how I know I know it was an  unusual day as I'm generally a shower first thing in the morning kind of girl.

It's 5:30pm now as I write this and I can say that today was good.  Admittedly, I could have done a little better job with food as it's still just easiest to go with the quick comfort food.  But... I have been drinking LOTS of water and that's a big step.  I'll try again tomorrow on the food.

For a day that began pretty rough, and for wondering if I was going to be able to push through, it has turned out pretty good.  Of course, I just had my nightly, "Oh, I should call dad" moment when I'm reminded I never get to do that again.  Last night it occurred to me that I still had voicemails from him and I went and listened to them.  He is somewhat confused on them, but it's his voice.  Not the one I grew up with, but the one I knew over the past few years.  It's odd to have technology that allows us to hear the voices of those we have lost.  And it's a blessing too.  I also had a moment of realization that I will never again hear the ring tone I assigned to my dad.  And for some reason, that was my breaking point yesterday.  It was a "dad" ring tone that sang "Your dad is calling you..." and although I'll never hear it again in reality, it has decided to play on a loop in my head.  ~ Sigh ~

This is grief.  This is how I grieve.  It is not how everyone needs to grieve.  But we all do need to grieve.  Our way.  I am glad I took this week off.  I believe it is exactly what I need.  Tonight I will spend time with Olly and hopefully laugh a little.  Tomorrow we're expecting a big storm and I'm hopeful that our power will remain on, but I also know that I have no control over that and we'll get through whatever comes our way.

Because if I have learned anything from death and grief, it is that I will ALWAYS get through whatever is thrown my way.  I may not like it.  I might even despair.  I might worry.  I might be afraid.  But I KNOW that I will make it through.  If you had asked me 10 years ago how I was going to deal with my parents' death, I would have run from you, not wanting to talk about it.  Not having the faintest idea how I would ever handle when those times came.

But here I am... 6 years after my mom's death and 3 weeks after my dad's death.  And I'm still moving forward.  I hurt right now.  I hurt a lot.  But I can still find joy in my day.  And today I took a lot of good self-care.  And that will help me in this process.

My parents wouldn't want me to be sad.  This I know.  Of course, they would understand.  I know my mom really struggled with her dad's death (she lost her mom first too).  I wish she was here to talk to me about what she went through.  But what I know is that she survived and I will too.  For that simple understanding, I am grateful.