This is How I Grieve - Day 2

I was always scared of the dark as a kid.  If I'm being honest, I'm still not fond of it now. I don't like not being able to see in the dark.  I don't like driving in the dark.  I don't really even like being out in the dark.  This is part of the reason I'm not a fan of late Fall and Winter when the light of day is so limited.  And it's not enjoyable to be newly in grief during this time either.  

Dark and I are most definitely not friends right now.  I am at a point of exhaustion for which there are no words.  And yet, dark falls and the stories fill my head.  The memories play on a loop.  The regrets, the questions, the confusion.  Then the tears and the pain.  Good god, the pain.  I have said this several times to various people, but I have never felt anything like this.  I have found myself more times than I can count simply being unable to remain standing.  My legs won't hold me up.  And when I say that it sounds SO dramatic.  Like what you see on TV.  But when it's happening, I don't really have any other choice.  I can't stand.

There is a part of me that thinks I'm overreacting.  That I just need to quit focusing on all of this.  That I need to be more positive.  And then I remember...that's the societal expectation.  That's what I grew up with just like most of us.  But what I truly believe is that I MUST feel all this now.  This is how I grieve.  This is how I keep the grief from lodging inside of me only to come out years from now.  Or not come out at all and turn into some disease or disorder.

And so I'll keep doing what I'm doing. I did get in my meditation and a similar "get my body moving" routine as yesterday.  And have been drinking more water.  So that's all good.  Of course, because the universe is challenging me, our power went out 3 hours ago so all our food is nearly shot. And tonight will be an even longer and darker night than the past few nights. But the wind has stopped howling and there was blue sky as the sun was setting.  Tomorrow is a new day.