Thanksgiving

I hope you're all surrounded by loved ones today.  If you're missing a loved one, my heart is with you.  Holidays are hard when people are missing.  Especially the first time (but I think they're always hard...this is my 7th Thanksgiving without mom and I still miss her).  

This is the first Thanksgiving that I can remember that I haven't made a pecan pie.  It was always my dad's favorite, but it's not really any of my family's favorite, so this year it's just pumpkin and apple.  That pecan pie is noticeably absent.

Last Thanksgiving, dad looked at me, in the middle of dinner at The Lobster Shop, and said, "I want Michael to write my eulogy so I can hear it."  It's a moment burned into my brain.  Maybe, somewhere, he knew something none of us knew.

Eleven months later, my dad heard that eulogy.  That is also a moment burned in my brain.

Eight weeks ago, I was starting to plan for this Thanksgiving and had started looking for restaurants.  I had found that eating out on holidays with dad was a treat for both of us and I was actually looking forward to it just a little (not bad for someone who isn't particularly fond of holidays).  Just two weeks later, dad was in the hospital.  Twenty-one days after that, he was gone.

This is not how I pictured this Thanksgiving two months ago.  But it is what I have been given.

These firsts are hard.  But they have to happen.  And I will survive this one and all the rest.  But there is no way to get around the fact that they are hard.

Today, I'm thankful for a quiet Thanksgiving with my four boys.  I'm thankful Olly and I have all our boys this year and none of them are missing at the table.  I'm thankful for the food on our table and the roof over our head.  It's our first Thanksgiving in our new home that we worked SO hard for this summer.  I'm thankful for all the opportunities that my parents gave me which helped allow me to have this life.  They are gone, but I live on.  My brother lives on.  Our children live on.  And in each of us, a part of my parents live on.

It's still shocking to try and reconcile that both my parents are gone.  This morning I stood in the cold sun on my beloved deck.  I looked up at those big protective trees.  I listened to the birds chirp.  I fed my friendly chipmunk (his name is Frederick by the way.  Yep...he's officially part of the family.  ;) ).  And the tears welled up.  A lifetime of memories ran through my head.  But I also feel, very clearly, that my parents are together today.  And I feel their protection too.  This will all settle in time.  But today it's still raw.  And that's okay.  

Tomorrow, we place dad's ashes with mom's.  The name plate on their niche will soon read both names.  It's such vivid proof that I'm an orphan.  But the world will keep rotating on its axis.  Even though nothing will ever be the same for me.  But that's the way life works.  

I will survive this "first" just like all the rest.  More hot coals behind me.  I'll get through all the ones still in front of me down the road.  Just one at a time.

I hope you all have a wonderful day surrounded by love.  And that you have an abundance of things to be thankful for in your life.  :)