This is How I Grieve - Day 4

Thankfully, yesterday's perspective has stuck with me.  I woke up early this morning to go to the grocery store and stock back up on all the food I tossed yesterday.  Christopher and I finally got to cook today which we had been planning since Monday.  Cooking with him relaxes me and makes me smile so I'm super appreciative of that time together. 

So let me espouse a bit about the beauty that is self-care.  Four days ago, I was constantly tired.  Just thinking about working out exhausted me.  And this from someone who used to love working out.  So, I know what it can do for you, but I had lost perspective.  And honestly, that started with our move this summer.  I was doing great until June and then the stress started getting to me.  Once we finally moved in August, I was wiped out.  Then I had a lot of weekends of work, Jonathan's birthday in September, dad started declining and then was in the hospital on October 3rd and...well...we all know how things went from there.  

But this week, I was determined to practice some very simple self-care.  Meditate, move my body, eat right, drink water.  That's what I felt like I needed.  I haven't eaten as well as I would have liked (the power outage didn't help), I've drank more water than I have been (but still need to drink more), but I have moved my body and have meditated every day.  And I feel better than I have in months.  

Am I still grieving?  Of course!  Do I still get sad and cry?  Absolutely!  Do I know that there will be times when I completely crumble again?  Yep!  But the simple act of some self-care has changed things for me in such a big way.  I had to force myself to start.  Monday was hard.  Tuesday was harder.  Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to work out when we were sitting in the cold, but I did it anyway.  Today was absolutely a given.  Ideally, tomorrow will be the same.  

Did the power outage help?  If you read yesterday's post, you'll be able to see that it did.  But I also had to let it.  I had to allow myself to shift.  Having a little push from my son was extremely helpful.  :)  

I will take steps backwards again.  It's part of the process.  But this week has helped me take several steps forward from a place where I thought I was stuck.  This week has given me exactly what I wanted.  THIS is what bereavement leave is for.  This is why people deserve a minimum of a week off!  Whenever they decide to take it.  Not just in the days following a death when everything is muddied and confusing and super, super hard and there's so much to DO...but later, if they want.  To be able to reflect and think a little more clearly.  My dad has been gone for almost 4 weeks now.  It really still seems like just yesterday.  But when I look back at these past four weeks, I can see the holding pattern I was in for the first three....and then how much I've been able to move forward this past week.  I feel ready to return to work next week.  I feel more clear and lighter than I did when this week began.  I didn't know what to expect this week, but I didn't really expect to feel this much lighter.  

I still miss my dad.  So much.  I still remind myself to call him each night.  And it still stings when I'm quickly reminded that I can't call him anymore.  I am definitely adjusting to not having parents.  It is a huge adjustment and it's going to take a long time.  But in the past two days, I've felt a shift that allows me to know that I WILL get through this.  That hard things are part of life and that I have survived every hard thing up to now.  I will survive this too.  

I will continue to feel what I need to feel when I need to feel it.  

It is okay to be sad, to be mad, to feel pain and to cry.

It is also okay to smile, to laugh, and to keep taking steps forward.  

And I will re-read this post on the days when I forget all of the above.  Because those days will happen too.

I took this week, quite honestly, to practice what I preach.  I tell my clients to grieve, to take time for self-care.  So, I had to do it myself.  And it has been so worth it.  Clearly, I wasn't making this stuff up.  It's amazing what a little self-care can do.

I'm starting to feel like myself again.  Like the person I remember.  Except different, because how couldn't I be?  But different in the way that I have grown and will continue to grow.  So much about my life is different.  I lost a part of myself and who I was when my dad died.  I was his caregiver.  Part of every single day was wrapped up in things I needed to do for him or get for him or a worry about what was going on with him or phone calls to make, etc.  That is all gone.  It's left this weird gap for me and I'm having to redefine myself.  Redefinition is hard.  But also can be incredibly rewarding.  

So, I keep doing the hard stuff.  Each and every day.  And I find, and experience, the joy when it comes.   

Self-Care.  Please do it.  It is worth it!  :)