Just as I was finishing up yesterday's post, our power went out during a pretty large windstorm. It came back on today, 25 1/2 hours later.
I'll be honest, I wasn't happy.
I've been through a lot lately. I planned this week off for self-care. A power outage wasn't part of those plans. Tossing pretty much every ounce of food in both our refrigerators did not seem like self-care. After saying how much dark and I are not friends right now, I was faced with intense dark last night.
This morning I woke at 3am. And it was cold in my house. And dark. And I was cranky. Olly left for work shortly after 4am and I just laid in bed looking at the dark and listening to the silence until I finally fell asleep again. I woke up around 7am and it was light outside. I was so grateful for daylight.
But it was still cold. And I was still cranky. This was NOT how this week was supposed to go.
Once the boys were up, Christopher and I went to Starbucks. I was so glad that so many places were open today. That gave me hope that the power was slowly coming back on in town.
Starbucks provided me caffeine and the boys some hot chocolate and all of us some warm food. That was a blessing.
While we were out, I was verbalizing some of my annoyance without realizing it. I was definitely cranky and concerned we were going to be without power for days. My ever-positive Christopher said to me, "You've got to think more positively mom". And he stopped me in my tracks. He was right!! I've said it before and I'll say it again, these kids are here to teach me way more than I could ever teach them.
And in that moment, I changed my attitude. I still wasn't thrilled about this power outage, but it wasn't the end of the world.
I cleaned out both refrigerators and decided it was time that we did that in the garage fridge anyway. And yes, it's going to put a dent in our budget to restock, but we are able to restock. And that is a blessing.
Last night, Olly, Christopher and I played some board games. This morning, Christopher and I played a couple more rounds of Yahtzee. We haven't done that in forever. That was a blessing of this power outage.
Because the power was out, I wasn't able to get on my laptop and do paperwork or easily reply to emails. I wasn't able to run the dishwasher or washer and dryer. My world kind of stopped.
Hmmmmmm..... wasn't that what I was looking for this week?
Quiet. No responsibilities. Time with my boys.
This power outage was giving that all to me.
And my attitude just kept shifting.
I wasn't going to let this outage stop me from self-care.
I meditated.
I did my grief yoga. And while my legs were up on the wall in Viparita Karani, it all hit me. Out loud, I said, "I get it!" And I did. I understood that this power outage was a gift. Of time. Of silence. Of reflection. Of appreciation for all the amazing things I have. As I completed corpse pose for the third time this week, my smile was genuine. It felt real for the first time. And I could feel it in my heart. I smiled. And it was okay. "I" was okay.
I felt what was clearly "peace" for the first time since the day I took my dad to the hospital...October 3rd. I know I hadn't felt it since then. It was like my old friend had returned to let me know it was okay to find this place again. It was okay to step forward.
And I'm sobbing as I write this. Because those feelings are so real. Today I feel okay. I still hurt. In ways I cannot explain. As I read my adult orphan books, I just nod and nod my way through them. It feels good to have that kinship of others who simply understand that this is a transition that is rarely spoken of, but one that many of us experience in life if we out live our parents. Not many of my friends have lost both their parents. In fact, I can only think of one. But boy, does she understand in a way I could not understand for her when she lost her mother (her last parent) not that long ago. I remember watching her grieve and seeing her pain and feeling for her (since I had lost my mom too), but I could not ever understand what she was going through having lost her last parent and becoming an adult orphan. I do now. And when she hugged me at my dad's memorial service, it was a hug of knowing. A sort of 'welcome to the club' hug. I wish we weren't in this club together, but I'm glad I have her. I have family who understand too. I know this. And I'm grateful for them too. But the people that understand are a small group of people in my life. Even my wonderful, amazing, understanding husband has no frame of reference for this. He is grieving too. But there is simply no way to explain to him how I feel. He holds me when I break. He stands in the rain with me as I collapse on my deck. He is there for me in every way he can be. But there is just no way for him to understand fully. And I get that. And I don't expect him to. Because I didn't understand it either until it happened to me.
But today, for the very first time, I felt 'okay'. People keep asking me how I'm doing (thank you by the way... please don't stop asking. :) ) and I say "I'm hanging in there" because that's all I really could say. Tomorrow, I may not feel as okay...but today, I feel okay. I feel as though I have finally found that little, tiny, minuscule light shining at the end of this very long, dark, tunnel. But that means I've made some steps. I can see the light shining at the end. Even if it's just a pinprick of light right now. It is there. I know it's there. There are lots of corners to traverse before I see more of that light. But all I need to know is that it is there. And I'll see it shining fully one of these days. I don't know when. I just know I will.
And THAT is huge.
And THAT is what this power outage gave me.
Perspective.
Peace.
Understanding.
I finished my work-out. I'm calling that now because it's feeling more and more like a work-out. And it feels good.
I didn't do great with food or water today but that's because there simply wasn't much in the way of food. I've drank more water than I was drinking before the week started though so that's still progress.
I still took good self-care. The power outage didn't stop that.
In fact, it gave me even more opportunity to do so.
And when the power came back on in the middle of my arm weight routine, I thanked the universe for the light and the heat. And for the gifts that came during that outage. I will not forget them.
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