One Week

It's been exactly a week since my dad died.  

Today we cleaned out his apartment.

Today I placed obituaries.

Today has been rough.

Super rough.

Sort of "am I having a nervous breakdown?" rough.

But that's part of all of this.

And today really hit me how hard grief is to witness.

It's terrible to experience, but it's not a lot easier to witness.

And that's why we try to say things to ease the other person's pain.  "It will get better."  "This won't last forever."  "Things will get easier."  Etc., etc., etc.  I've said them all too and I'm not saying that we shouldn't say them.  I'm just suggesting that part of the reason we say them is that we want to have a way to help someone in pain and there's simply no way to fix grief...so we remind people it gets better.  Which it does.  But knowing that it's going to get better doesn't make it hurt less now.  

Today my family witnessed my pain.  And it hurt them.  And that hurts me.  But I can't pretend I don't have it.  That serves no one's purpose.  So I explain to my kids that I hurt right now and that it's just part of the process.  And hopefully, when they are in the midst of grief some day, they'll know that it's just part of the process that it hurts.  And that some days hurt more than others.  

And my husband.  I don't even know what to say about him.  This sucks for him to watch.  Not to mention he's grieving too.  He had a unique relationship with my dad.  And he's lost that too.  He and I have had a LONG six months.  We've had very little time together to just have fun.  The blows keep coming.  Yet he continues to hold me up.  But it's hard to watch pain.  Especially when you have your own too.  I love him.  I am so incredibly grateful that he is the one beside me as I make my way through this life.  

Today has been hard.  Today was a day when I have had a hard time finding the strength, or the desire, to smile.  My eyes are burning from all the tears.  My heart actually aches.  My body hurts.  Tomorrow I intend to stay in my pajamas all day, watch some football and just "be".  Just do nothing but exist.  It's clear that's what my soul needs right now.  And, even if for just a day, I'm going honor that need.