* I sat in the ferry line for 20 minutes tonight and THREE separate times thought, "Oh, I have to call dad." and then three separate times I was reminded that I never get to do that again. Old habits are hard to break.
* I'm an introvert. I hate talking on the phone. I have done more talking on the phone in the past three days than I probably have in the last year. :o
* The little stuff is too much. Moldy bread when I need bread. Expired cashew milk when I want cashew milk. The cats are out of snacks and yelling at me. That's the stuff that pushes me over the edge.
* My house is a MESS. A MESS! It makes me overwhelmed and angry.
* I want my normal life back. And then I don't. Because, when "normal" tries to return, I know I'm still going to feel lost. But "normal" will never be the same "normal". It was, at times, hard to take care of my dad. It was, at times, exhausting and I gave up a lot of other things in my life to do it. But I would take all that back in a heartbeat.
* I'm not sure I'll ever stop feeling like I failed him. There I said it out loud. For all the world to see. Part of my brain knows that is so far from the truth and the other side is an asshole and likes to tell stories. He just deserved better than this. And I couldn't stop it. I couldn't make it not happen. And that sucks.
* And I know that I won't feel like this forever. I do know that. But I also know I have to fell ALL of this. It's part of the process. No matter how much I hate it. And so I talk about it so when others are going through it, they know they aren't alone. That many others have walked the path before them, many are walking it with them, and many will walk it later. None of us escape this. Grief will touch us all at some point.
*If you're reading this, and you're local, come to my Death Cafe next Monday. Let's talk more about Death. As if this blog isn't fun enough. ;)
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