Macadamia Nuts

My dad loved macadamia nuts.  I have purchased him a jar of them for every birthday of his for as long as I can remember.  Oftentimes, I'd be out somewhere and see macadamia nuts and just buy them for him as a fun surprise.  

At the beginning of the month, one of my clients brought me a package of chocolate covered macadamia nuts directly from Hawaii.  Dad was in the hospital at the time so I brought them with me and shared them with him.  He only ate one or two but he enjoyed them.  

I forgot I had them in my bag until I went to work yesterday and found them.  I had 7 hours of straight back-to-back appointments last night and was starving on my way home.  I pulled out those macadamia nuts and started eating them only to realize that those damn macadamia nuts outlived my dad.  What the hell?  And then I found myself sobbing the rest of the way home.  

I was mad last night.  Honestly, I still am.  I am so damn mad about all of this.  I have spent all morning making phone calls and sending e-mails.  There is so much "stuff" to do.  But, boy does it keep my mind busy.  The early mornings when I wake up, I am reminded of my grief.  My body aches.  I can keep going and push the grief down now and then, but my body is carrying it.  In every fiber of my body.  It is holding it for me for when I am able to let it go in bits and pieces.  This is the hard, intense grief.  I know it won't always feel like this. But it's going to take time.  And I have to let it take it's own time.  

I find myself having a hard time coming up with words, or memories, or dates. I have to force myself to eat.  A reminder of the grief work I'm doing. 

I am overwhelmed and exhausted and kinda want to lie in bed all day.  And maybe I will when I take some time off in a couple of weeks.  But for now, I need to keep moving for a bit.  But it's just one day at a time.  That's all I have to do.  One little day at a time.