And here's the thing. I have anxiety. I have ALWAYS had anxiety. I can remember stories growing up when my anxiety was completely out of control, but no one gave it a name back then. No one said, "Hey Kelli, this is just anxiety telling you a story. Let's see what we can do about this." Nope. So I didn't understand it. And the world was scary. And it just kept getting scarier. Especially after I had kids and suddenly had these two amazing human beings to take care of. Holy smokes, did anxiety enjoy that!!
But for the past ten years (TEN YEARS!) I have been working and working and working on my anxiety. I have done the super hard work. I have processed through the causes of my anxiety. I have been furious. I have been heartbroken. But I have come to an understanding of where my anxiety comes from. I have also come to the understanding that it will never truly leave me. It is part of me. However, I have learned how to manage it pretty well. I have learned how to let go. I have learned, and truly believed, that there is no control in this world and how to work with that. I don't always like it. But I have the tools.
Nonetheless, you can do all your work. You can work your damn ass off for years and years and years. You can be a mental health counselor and help others through their own anxiety. And then something happens in your life, like your dad dying, and everything you thought you knew gets turned on its head. And you realize that you knew how to manage the anxiety you knew then. You did all that work. You met anxiety eye-to-eye and told it that it wasn't going to rule your life. And then your life shatters. Everything you knew to be true changes and anxiety jumps in and takes over. And it has new stories. It's ramped up its game. And you dumped your tool belt when your world spun upside down. Your tools are scattered all over this new path. And the path is dark. And you can't find your tools. And anxiety knows this. And looks you in the eyes and says, "Welcome back, old friend, I have stories to tell you." And they're scary stories. And detailed stories that, in the dark, seem like they could actually be real. And they paralyze you with fear. Fear that you thought you had beat. That you did beat. But it's back. And it's bigger.
And anxiety starts winning. It wins in the dark. Sometimes it wins in the daytime. Like last night and this morning.
And today, I had two choices. I could let anxiety win again and disappoint my son. Or I could fight back. Anxiety is a familiar opponent. But those tools...I couldn't find my tools.
However, the one thing that trumps anxiety (almost always) is my kids. And anxiety knows this. So, it upped its game.
So, I decided I had to do the same.
Because here was the deal...which is going to sound like nothing for those of you who have never had anxiety. My son wanted to go to the Space Needle for his birthday. We had planned to go Monday, but the weather turned on us. He really didn't want to go in the rain so I promised him that if the weather cleared at all this week, we would go. And that if that didn't work out, we'd go on the first clear day when I wasn't working.
And then my week went on. And I kind of let the whole idea go because the long-term weather forecast wasn't looking too promising. And then, mid-day yesterday, it suddenly looked like the weather was clearing up for today. And not just clearing up, but looking pretty beautiful. Out of nowhere. And suddenly, the Space Needle was back on. And it wasn't just the Space Needle, but it was taking the foot ferry to a bigger ferry to Seattle and then walking to to the Space Needle and then going UP the Space Needle and doing it all again on the way home. All stuff I had never done before.
And it didn't give me time to prepare, and anxiety took advantage. And it hit me hard last night. Oh, if I could only tell you all the stories it told me, but this blog post is already long enough. Suffice it to say, there were simple things like getting lost, to really awesome things like earthquakes and terrorist attacks. In not one of these stories was there ever anything like, "Hey, the weather is going to be nice, you might actually have fun." Nope. Anxiety doesn't play like that.
This morning I found myself nearly in tears. Christopher was still sleeping and I was seriously wondering if I was going to be able to go through with the day. But there was NO way I was letting that kid down.
So, off we went...only to not be able to find a parking spot at the foot ferry. Great. "Just the beginning of what was sure to be a long day", anxiety reminded me. We drove around for about 20 minutes and were just getting ready to drive to the main ferry dock when a spot, right up front, opened up. And that, my friends, was the worst thing that happened all day.
From that point on, the universe graced me with peace. Did I have moments? Absolutely. Did I push right through them? Yep. Our first foot ferry experience was fun, the Bremerton/Seattle ferry was smooth and beautiful. We planned to walk to the Space Needle and then realized we could grab the monorail and cut our time in half. We got to the monorail and jumped right on without any wait. And then the Space Needle...That big, scary, Space Needle. And it was absolutely fine. AND...I had fun. And Christopher LOVED it. And then our trip back, we jumped right back on the monorail, didn't get lost at all. Made it right back to the ferry, had another lovely ride back and a quick foot ferry ride home.
It was, quite honestly, the perfect day. The weather could not have been more beautiful, especially for January 14th. And there was not one little kink in the day except for the delay in parking.
And right there in front of me...all day long...my path lit up. I found many of my old tools. Not all of them...but found enough to get me through.
And my son looked at me and said, "This was the BEST day!"
Last night, anxiety won.
Today, I won.
This doesn't mean anxiety and I don't have another long road ahead of us. But I'll keep finding my tools. And I'll build new ones for this new and improved anxiety. And I'll keep doing my work. Tonight. Tomorrow. Forever. Because I'm human. And I have anxiety. And some days anxiety will still win. But not without a fight. And not today.
Today, I took a little piece of me back. A piece I have missed for the past several months.
And this is what it looked like:
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