136 Days

It's been 136 days since my dad went into the hospital.  I'm not keeping track.  I had to count.  But the reason I wanted to know is because, here, on February 16th, it feels like I am just starting to be able to take a step forward.  It's been a long Fall and Winter and I am exhausted.  My body feels tired and heavy.  So, I wanted to count and figure out what my life has looked like since that day my dad suddenly ended up in the hospital. 

So, here's the chronology:

October 3rd - 6th, 2015 - Dad spends 3 days in the hospital.  I am there for most of that stay.

October 6th, 2015 - October 24th, 2015 - Dad returns to his assisted living community.  I bring in 24/7 care because it's clear he's not recovering the way I had hoped.  What follows is 18 days of worrying and wondering and waiting and sitting vigil until dad dies on the 24th.

October 25th - October 31st, 2015 - 7 days of cleaning out dad's apartment, making arrangements for memorial service and having daily conversations with multiple people informing them of dad's death.

November 1st - November 14th, 2015 - 14 days of phone calling and e-mailing.  Closing accounts.  Talking to insurance companies, banks, etc.  Daily conversations with funeral home.  Dad's memorial service is held on the 14th.

November 15th - November 28th, 2015 - 13 days of continued conversations.  Dad's cemetery service is held the day after Thanksgiving (I don't even remember Thanksgiving).

November 29th - December 13th, 2015 - 15 days of semi-peace.  Life starts settling in.  Shock is wearing off.

December 13th, 2015 - January 10th, 2016 - 29 days of sickness at our house which included an ER trip for Christopher.  Christmas and New Years were illness field.  Which I guess gave a good distraction from the emotion of the holidays and dad's birthday.  

January 11th - January 30th, 2016 - 19 good days which included Christopher's birthday and a week of vacation to spend with my kids.  Life starts feeling back on track.

February 1st - February 14th, 2016 - I'm hit with round two of the cold from hell.  It hits me like a brick.  I'm a mess.  My body is shot.  

So, here we are today, February 16th.  Yesterday, I finally started feeling like the cold had passed and I was recovering. 

When I look back over the past 136 days, there are about 35 semi-decent days.  That leaves 101 that weren't all that great.  I hardly remember any of it though.  It's a blur of phone calls and e-mails and kleenex and doctors and supplements.  136 days.  That's a lot.  And it's also nothing. 

What I can tell you I haven't done in that time is grieve.  I thought I was grieving.  But I wasn't.  I was distracted.  And the grief was building up.  And based on conversations with my naturopath and my therapist, it's clear that this last round with the cold was my body's way of stopping the distraction.  It can't carry any more grief without some sort or release.  

On January 31st, I was up all night trying to figure out what was happening to me.  It felt like my heart was aching.  I was doubled over from the pain and pressure in my chest.  I am very much into the metaphysical aspects of physical illness and looking back, it seems so clear that my heart WAS aching.  It was begging to be heard.  

And the next day I was sick.  REALLY sick.

I have a great book that discusses this belief system I have in metaphysical causes of physical illness.  Some brief comments on the physical problems I was experiencing look like this:

Sore Throat: "Pain upon swallowing is the body's way of asking you outright, 'What person or situation can't you swallow?'.  Perhaps there is some specific emotional trauma that you are having difficulty in getting past or are simply unable to swallow...the outcome of a situation."

Lungs (chest congestion): "There is an underlying sadness, a feeling of being suffocated by someone or a situation that is keeping you from taking in the life force you need.  You may have a feeling of discomfort, as though you don't have enough room to maneuver in order to get out of the situation.  There may be a fear of suffering or death or of seeing someone else suffer or die."

Sinus stuff: "As air is a symbol of the life force and fundamental to life on a physical level, difficulty in taking in breath through the nose is directly linked with taking in life.  You tend to cut yourself off on a sensory level for fear of feeling your own suffering or the suffering of someone you love.  It will get you nowhere to tell yourself that you feel nothing in order to avoid facing a situation."

Cough: "Your body is telling you that your heart would like to see you more tolerant, especially toward yourself."

Common Cold" " A cold will often manifest as a result of congestion on a mental level, especially when there is so much going on in your head that you don't know which way to turn.  The onset of a cold is a message from the body that it's time for you to let go...."

You don't have to believe in all of the above, but that book rarely steers me wrong.  And the people I know who have purchased the book have a similar love/hate relationship with it.  We don't want to believe all it says, but it's almost so spot on, it's impossible to ignore the message.

So...today I'm feeling better.  I listened to my body these past two weeks.  I did a lot of self-care and worked on my mental health as well as my physical health.  I also got mad and annoyed and sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Sleep deprivation is just not a pretty thing. 

On Thursday night, I had an epiphany with my therapist.  It's not something I can figure out quickly, but it was an epiphany nonetheless.   

I'm ready for spring and for longer days.  The dark and I need to break up for a while.  I'll be prepared when it comes back next fall, but right now, I need daylight. It's coming.  I know this.  I feel it.  I'm ready to move forward.  

Slowly.

My instinct is to do everything at warp-speed.  I'm learning to slow down.  This is my season of life right now.  I don't have to run my way through it. 

I've been awfully hard on myself lately.  I'm carrying extra weight.  I feel weaker than I have in a long time.  I feel lazy which is NOT a normal feeling for me.  But I know it's not so much lazy as it simply is allowing my body and heart to rest.  It still feels like lazy though... 

But again, it's a season.  It won't always feel like this.  And I don't have to like it.  But I do have to honor it.  There are lessons to be learned here.  Big ones.  

So, it's time to move on to days 137 and beyond since my life turned upside down.  It is my hope that there are more good days than hard days to come.  I don't know that I can take many more hard days.  But, then again, I survived the last 101, I can probably survive more.  I've survived a lot actually.  I'm good at surviving.  I'd like to work on thriving.  

Here's to slow, baby steps.  

And self-care.  

And patience with myself.  

And maybe, just maybe, a little fun.  I miss fun.

Just as dark and I need to break up for a while, fun and I need to reconnect.

And it will all happen in time.  One little step after another.