Three years ago, I started a ritual that I have carried on at the end of every year. I do two things. I get a Goddess Reading from Amy Palko (http://www.amypalko.com/) to determine which Goddess will accompany me over the next year and I do a lot of meditating and reflecting over what word feels like it will be my core word for the next year. I also spend some time reflecting on last year's Goddess and words.
In 2015 my Goddess was Gyhldeptis, the Goddess of Harmonic Agreement. In my reading, it stated that "The emphasis of your year will lie in communication in order to find common ground This will represent a move away from fragmentation, divisiveness, and discordance. And just as you address this unification at the level of the heart, mind, body and soul, it'll be reflected in your outer world. Look for mirrors in the situations around you, and bring you ability to invite harmony into play - you'll be doing a favor for yourself and for others!" Gyhldeptis brought with her the words Peace, Unity, Union, Harmony, Coherence and Balance. And then the word I chose for my year (or that chose me) me after much reflection was Soar.
Interestingly, at the end of 2014, I left a difficult situation. A situation where I did NOT feel in harmonic agreement. The end of 2014 was rough as I was grieving the loss of something that had been important to me. But I knew it was time to move on. Early 2015 (really for the first 5-6 months) absolutely felt like a unification of my heart, mind, body and soul. And I most definitely felt myself soaring (not to mention, I actually DID soar...on an airplane...and survived with most my mental faculties intact. ;) )
The second half of 2015 was a different story, but I believe it was imperative that I had that first half in order to prepare myself for the second half.
So, here at the beginning of 2016, the Goddess that presented herself is Psyche. Which, honestly, made this 80s girl laugh...because...really? Psyche? It felt like my goddess reading was taunting me. As though I wasn't going to really get a goddess this year. Joke was on me.
And then I started reading about Psyche and it all made sense. Google her if you want all the nitty gritty details, but bottom line: "Together, the tasks taught Psyche discernment (seeds), empowerment & wisdom (fleece), distance/objectivity (spring water), and the art of saying no (Underworld). Upon achieving success in each of these tasks, Psyche was changed into a goddess and reunited with Eros. When we develop these attributes in ourselves, we find that we can manage Aphrodite's overwhelming energy a bit better. We can stand firmer in our sense of self. So much packed in here, right? Trust, autonomy, love, sovereignty, metamorphosis. Psyche teaches us how not to lose ourselves to our emotions, how to retain a sense of perspective that allows us to continue to make conscious choices, and how to survive a metamorphosis of self."
"Metamorphosis of Self" <--------- That feels like my 2016.
Psyche brings the words Initiation, Love, Growth, Metamorphosis.
Initiation into the world of adult orphans.
Growth and Metamorphosis as I learn to make my way through this new world of mine.
Love - well, it's all love, isn't it? But I feel strongly this is Love for myself this year. That it is time I start taking care of me. My parents are gone. My kids are getting older. It's time to put a little more focus on myself and give myself a little (a lot?) more love.
But then came my word. I did the 5 day process I always do. I did a lot of meditating. A lot of reflection. And it came down to two words. And I simply could not feel one of them coming in louder than the other. So, I decided there's no rule here. I don't HAVE to have one word. Maybe my challenge this year is to break out of that old mold and let myself have both the words that presented to me. I was pretty clear that Expand was the first one. And it felt right. It tied right into that Metamorphosis and it feels as though now is time for me to expand my wings. My business is growing. I have a new satellite office. My world is expanding. But then the other word wouldn't let go. And it was just as loud.
Nourish.
I didn't want that word. I wanted it to be Expand. Expand sounded like moving forward. Nourish is not something I am good at for myself. But Nourish wouldn't leave as so I accepted it as my co-word. I can Expand and Nourish at the same time. In fact, that is likely the best way to do both. Together. Both words have much to teach me.
Nourish.
I didn't want that word. I wanted it to be Expand. Expand sounded like moving forward. Nourish is not something I am good at for myself. But Nourish wouldn't leave as so I accepted it as my co-word. I can Expand and Nourish at the same time. In fact, that is likely the best way to do both. Together. Both words have much to teach me.
And then there's this: http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/avoidance-in-grief/
And THAT is likely another blog post all in its own.
Nonetheless, it is VERY clear that I have been doing a beautiful job of avoidance. Here I am, Miss Transparent. Miss "This Is How I Grieve". And it seems that I have found my way to almost complete avoidance.
Well, maybe that's a little hard on myself (back to that nourish and self-love here...). I AM grieving. I have felt a LOT. And I don't stop it when it comes. But somewhere along the way, I put up a wall to stop the stuff from coming. I think it felt like it was getting too hard. It felt like more than I actually could manage. And the little girl inside of me sort of ran and hid. She (and I) have lost the protection we were accustomed to. And it feels lonely and scary in this world right now.
At the end of my two weeks of sleep-deprivation with a sick kid, I had an epiphany. Because sleep deprivation tears your down and doesn't allow you the energy to keep those walls up. Life feels incredibly fragile to me right now. And I really feel like everyone I love is going to die and leave me. Quite literally. And that's a rotten feeling. So, I found a way to avoid it. Not consciously, but I found a way without realizing it.
So, what does all this mean?
Who the hell knows?
All I really know is that I get through my days. Honestly, most of them I get through pretty well. At least if I'm working. Have I mentioned that I LOVE my job? (Although it might offer me a little of that avoidance these days... )
The nights are hard. But the sun keeps coming back up.
Metamorphosis is hard. Have you ever watched a caterpillar spin a cocoon and the work it takes to break out of that cocoon as a butterfly? Nothing easy about it. But they don't complain, they just do it.
2016 doesn't look to be an easy year, but... Expand, Nourish, Metamorphosis...those can't be all bad. Right?
Right? Anyone?? ;)
Hard...but not all bad. Although, admittedly, I'm human and I'm kind of tired of hard. I'll keep my eye out for the easy moments along the way and hope to catch one here and there. And I'll remind myself that no storm lasts forever. And some of the hardest storms provide the most beautiful rainbows.
Here's to butterflies and rainbows! :)
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