My last post was a rough one. It was real. But it was rough. And I promised to be transparent so it's important to share the rough stuff. But it's just as important to share the good days...or weeks. And this has been one.
After what was definitely a rough weekend, it's nice to be able to say that the rough weekend was followed by a good week. I mean, like any week, it had its ups and downs, but here I am on Friday and I'm feeling good. Better than I have felt in some time.
And here's what I attribute that to...
1) Time.
It has been 41 days since my dad died. That's not a lot. And I still have a LOT of work to do. I've got this whole year of firsts to get through. Really, the grief work is just beginning. BUT...time DOES help. I still have a moment every night where I remind myself to pick up the phone and call dad and then am immediately reminded that he's gone. Every night. That stinks. But it also reminds me of how close we were. And that gives me some peace. I quite vividly now can see him well up with tears when he would tell people how grateful he was for me. He said, quite often, "she is a wonderful daughter". When dad first died, I was carrying a lot of guilt...I wondered if I could have done more. Could I have stopped this from happening? Truly...a whole stinking lot of guilt. It's still there. It's going to take time to work through it. But 41 days later, I can more clearly see how close we were and that he knew I was there for him. Until the very end.
2) Being honest with my feelings and feeling everything that needs to be felt, no matter how much I may not want to feel the hard stuff.
I have felt ALL the feelings. Whenever they come. I feel them. Whether I like it or not. I'm not holding anything in. I really feel this is a huge step in the grieving process. And may be the hardest step. We avoid pain in American culture. Sometimes at all costs. And I believe, wholeheartedly, that that's what holds us back. That's what makes grief seep into our bones and store itself there...sometimes for ever. And it comes out in other ways. In illness. In physical pain. I refuse to let that happen. I'm feeling it NOW. I'm letting the grief fall in tear after tear after tear. I will always miss my dad. But I will not let grief store itself inside of me. I will feel it. Today, tomorrow, 5 years from now, 10 years from now...whenever it shows up. I will meet it head on and I will feel what needs to be felt.
3) Validation
This week, I had coffee with a very good friend. My only close friend (who is not family) who has lost both her parents. Sitting with her and chatting about the experience was so beneficial for me. The validation of the complexity of this loss was immeasurable for me. One day, I hope I can give the same validation to someone else.
4) Meditation
On my week of bereavement leave, my goal was to meditate every day and get my regular meditation practice going again. I cannot explain enough how important this has been for me. I have kept it up and meditate almost daily (didn't over the holiday weekend). It has been so healing and has given me so much more clarity than I had without it. Through meditation I have been able to find a way to start moving forward instead of being stuck in my grief. It has been huge for me.
5) Working Out
In conjunction with the meditation, the working out has helped me start connecting with my physical body again. And how strong it is. It hasn't given up on me. Even when I gave up on it. It feels good to be reconnected and through meditation and working out, I've found new goals for myself that give me something to focus on outside of grief. This is also a big step.
A few weeks ago (heck, just last Sunday), I felt so stuck in my grief. It felt like quicksand that I couldn't claw my way out of. I know it's very likely I will be there again. There's still lots of work to do. But I also know that the steps I have taken to take care of myself will help me remember that there is always another day, another hour, another moment. I will not be stuck forever. Sometimes it's important to stop and sit with grief. And other times, it's important to take a step forward.
On Sunday I said I was not taking any steps. I was not going to face the hot coals for a while. This week I feel like I walked over several of them.
Today I am decorating the house for the holidays. I don't expect that to be tear-free. But I expect that I can put on some holiday music and enjoy the experience, for the most part. That is BIG.
So, here's to new days, self care, and to taking a few steps forward. :)
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