So, I'm just going to say it. I am not in a great place right now. I am so, so tired. I feel like a mom with a newborn. I haven't had a full night's sleep in over two weeks. And I've had a few nights of getting less than 2 hours total. It's a great reminder for me as I'm working with new parents. Sleep deprivation can make you crazy.
Sleep deprivation takes down your defenses and allows your head to tell you stories. Old stories. Stories that are no longer true. But without your normal defenses, it's hard to remember that you've moved beyond those stories.
I'm raw. I'm at the point where even when I am lying in bed exhausted, instead of sleeping, my brain just spins stories. Scary, dark stories. And all my tools, all my knowledge, all my understanding struggle to fight through those stories.
I have two sick kids. One who I took to the ER at 3am the day after Christmas. The Emergency Room! The last time I took a kid to the ER was when my oldest was 20 months old and he had pneumonia. That was 15 1/2 years ago. But there I was, the day after Christmas, at the same emergency room where I took my dad 3 months ago. And I was there because I had a kid who was struggling to breathe. All the while, I'm sick too. Not cool, universe. Not cool at all.
But then I thought we were on an upswing and I was looking forward to returning to work for a couple of days this week. Until 2am this morning when the cycle of not breathing started all over again. Christopher actually asked me to sleep on the downstairs couch to be near him. That's the first time I've had a kid "need" me in a long time. But it was also pretty scary.
And so I spent a couple of hours contacting every single client scheduled this week and clearing my calendar. And that is super hard for me. I have a very strong work ethic. I have a strong responsibility to my clients. But I have an even stronger responsibility to my family. Especially my children. And I would tell every single one of my clients to choose their family first. Once again, I have to walk my talk. There was, of course, no question that this was the right choice. But sometimes the right choices are still hard ones.
So, today I'm home. Tired. So.Very.Tired. Our naturopath is out of the office until tomorrow, but thankfully, the local naturopathic clinic in town got Christopher in late this afternoon. We are pretty sure we know what's going on. We just don't know how to stop it. Hopefully we'll get some answers on that today. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I don't know how much longer my body goes before shutting down. I don't know how I will get well until my kids are well.
And I'm so frustrated. I was finally finding myself again. I had established a good meditation and workout practice. I was finding my strength and endurance again. And now I feel broken again. My body is beat. I don't have the energy to do anything. The only time I've been out of the house and have seen other people since I left work last week was our trip to the ER. My house is a disaster area of leftover Christmas and boxes of cold treatments and kleenex. It's wearing on me, but there's no energy to do anything about it.
Not to even mention the grief that I haven't had time to feel this holiday season. Or the fact that my dad's birthday is coming up in 4 days.
This is hard. The world I'm living in right now is exhausting and isolating and really, really hard.
But setbacks are part of the process. This means there is something good on the horizon. I just wish I knew when. It feels like it has just been one hit after another since October 3rd when my dad was admitted to the hospital. I want to smile. I want to laugh. I want have fun again. Of course, I know I will. I just wish I knew when.
And I know I'm not alone. Many are suffering this year. Many are suffering right now. And we'll all get through it. It's just hard right now. So, if you're reading this and things are hard for you too, please know you're not alone. And that out of these hard times come better days. And all we can do is continue take things one step at a time.
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