SUN! :)

Maybe it was the weather, maybe it was the fact that mercury is in retrograde, maybe I'm just exhausted (even though I'm supposed to be "off" this week...which never works when you're self-employed).  I don't know what it was, but the past few days have been rough.  Really rough.  Staying up all night contemplating the meaning of life kind of rough. 

And I hate that place.  I am a student of meditation and self-awareness.  And it is my work.  And I still go to that place.  And when I'm there, I still beat myself up for not being able to stop it from happening.  And then I'm mad because I'm, once again, not giving myself some grace.  Ugh...

But then, today, the clouds cleared both outside my window and in my head.  And I guess the best thing to take away from the past few days was that even in the darkest of places, I still know that it will end.  I know the storm will pass.  I know the light will reappear.  Years ago, I couldn't remember this during the storm.  In the midst of it, it felt like it would last forever.  I suppose some would call that depression.  And maybe it was.  But mostly, I just had so much I needed to learn about myself that I simply was not aware of at the time.  

So many of us walk through the world that way.  Unaware of the weight of false stories and past lessons left unlearned.  It took my whole life crumbling for me to find my way to where I am today.  And I love it here.  I have a husband I am madly in love with and who loves me back with more genuineness than I ever knew was possible in a relationship.  He makes me feel loved in big ways and small on pretty much a daily basis.  I have 2 incredible teenage boys who I gave birth to, and 1 who came to me by marriage. I always wanted sons.  And I have three pretty amazing ones.  I have a beautiful home (albeit more cluttered than I would like these days, but that's fixable :) ).  I have work where I meet amazing people on their own life journeys.  I have a group of friends who I know would drop anything for me if I needed it.  I have an amazing education behind me from these past 5 years and will have my Masters degree is less than 6 months now.

But every once in a while, the rough days still appear.  I recognize that I am in a great time of transition in my life right now.  And those times can be scary and come with rough days.  Yet, I also know that from these times of transition, amazing things are born.  The past few days I couldn't see through the darkness.  Today, I see clearly.  You know how great it is to feel better after being sick?  You know how you appreciate the ability to swallow without pain and breathe out of your nose after not being able to do those things for a while?  You know how you ignore all that the rest of the year when you're not sick?  That's what it's like for me when coming out of a dark place.  The light is SO much brighter.  I feel so abundantly clear.  And the challenge is to hold on to THIS on a daily basis.  I'm so much better at that then I used to be, but I still have to remind myself, at times, that we all have crevices we have to climb out of now and then on this journey of life.  Falling in can be painful, the climb back up can be hard.  But arriving on the other side is magical and awe-inspiring and powerful.  

Here's to always finding the sun in the midst of a storm and the light in the darkest of places.