Perspective

Life is funny.  So much perspective is gain by simply living it.  And yet, it would be so helpful to understand the perspective when you're going through different stages of life.  I remember when I started high school, everyone told me those 4 years would go so fast and, I, having lived a whole 14 years thought all those people were ridiculous because a year was a long time and I hated school and there was no way high school was going to go fast. 

Those people were right.  They had already been there and had perspective.

I worked for a big corporation right out of high school.  My youngest co-worker was 28 and I remember thinking, "Wow...she's already having her 10 year high school reunion".  So many of my co-workers looked at me with these smiles that annoyed me at the time and said I needed to enjoy these carefree years because they weren't going to last forever.  I needed to enjoy eating whatever I wanted and staying up late and having few cares in the world.  I just thought they were too old to remember anything.  ;)

Those people were right.  They had already been there and had perspective.

Jump to years later when you think I would have had the sense to listen to people who had walked roads ahead of me, but once again, when parents told me to hang on to those babies of mine because time was going to fly, I wanted to punch them.  Time was not flying.  I felt as though I was awake every minute of every day.  I began to wonder if I would ever sleep again.  Or ever go to the bathroom alone again, or ever stop finding legos EVERYWHERE (how do they find their way to every little place in the house?), of if I would ever even experience just a simple moment of silence again.

Those people were right.  They had already been there and had perspective.

I'll be 45 in two months.  That is quite likely well over the halfway point in my life based on the lifespans in my family.  High school was a blink of an eye.  My 20s were a blur of time.  My babies are teenagers and looking at me like I used to look at my parents.  My mom is gone.  My dad is being lost to Parkinson's.  

Tonight I sit alone in my house.  In deafening silence.  And there is this battle in my brain that says, "ENJOY THIS!  Do you remember how much you longed for the sound of silence?" while the other part of my brain says, "Make it stop!  Bring back the sound of children, of giggling babies, of joyful toddlers, of playful elementary school aged children.  Bring it back!"  Oh...perspective.  I have SO much of it now and yet, I know there is still so much to be learned.  

The grass always seems so much greener on the other side.  Until you get there and you just want to go home to your own yard again.  My life is blessed.  I am grateful for every moment and every lesson and every laugh and every tear.  I just wish I could have spent more time appreciating each of those moments when I was living them.

I tell my children to slow down.  Enjoy this time.  Don't be in such a hurry for "freedom".  I tell those in their 20s to enjoy their young bodies that have abundant energy and a strong metabolism.  I tell new parents to hold those babies.  Snuggle those toddlers.  Enjoy every "I love you" that comes from their mouth.  Enjoy every little baby hand wrapped around theirs.  

I know there were difficulties and troubles throughout the last 45 years.  But when I look back on my life, I only see the things I wish I could have back and the things I wish I could have enjoyed more.  I KNOW there were moments when I thought the world was over.  I have most definitely struggled.  But those are not the vivid memories in my mind.

I want other people to learn from my perspective.  I know others felt the same way about me.  But you can't truly understand another person's perspective.  You have to experience yourself. It sort of feels like a cruel joke.  It's kind of that old adage, "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone."  It's not really fair.

And I guess all that means is that we have to learn to live in TODAY.  In THIS moment.  We only get so many trips around the sun and none of us know exactly how many trips we get.  So, it is up to us to live in today.  But it's certainly easier said than done.

Tonight I will try to enjoy the silence.  The stillness.  The peace.  All things I desperately wanted not that long ago.  I will honor this moment knowing there are young parents all over the world who are simply longing for ONE moment of silence.  I'll pour myself a glass of wine, sit quietly, do a little reflecting and be curious about all the perspective I still have to learn...knowing I will learn it in time and that the only thing I can do for now is enjoy this moment.

SUN! :)

Maybe it was the weather, maybe it was the fact that mercury is in retrograde, maybe I'm just exhausted (even though I'm supposed to be "off" this week...which never works when you're self-employed).  I don't know what it was, but the past few days have been rough.  Really rough.  Staying up all night contemplating the meaning of life kind of rough. 

And I hate that place.  I am a student of meditation and self-awareness.  And it is my work.  And I still go to that place.  And when I'm there, I still beat myself up for not being able to stop it from happening.  And then I'm mad because I'm, once again, not giving myself some grace.  Ugh...

But then, today, the clouds cleared both outside my window and in my head.  And I guess the best thing to take away from the past few days was that even in the darkest of places, I still know that it will end.  I know the storm will pass.  I know the light will reappear.  Years ago, I couldn't remember this during the storm.  In the midst of it, it felt like it would last forever.  I suppose some would call that depression.  And maybe it was.  But mostly, I just had so much I needed to learn about myself that I simply was not aware of at the time.  

So many of us walk through the world that way.  Unaware of the weight of false stories and past lessons left unlearned.  It took my whole life crumbling for me to find my way to where I am today.  And I love it here.  I have a husband I am madly in love with and who loves me back with more genuineness than I ever knew was possible in a relationship.  He makes me feel loved in big ways and small on pretty much a daily basis.  I have 2 incredible teenage boys who I gave birth to, and 1 who came to me by marriage. I always wanted sons.  And I have three pretty amazing ones.  I have a beautiful home (albeit more cluttered than I would like these days, but that's fixable :) ).  I have work where I meet amazing people on their own life journeys.  I have a group of friends who I know would drop anything for me if I needed it.  I have an amazing education behind me from these past 5 years and will have my Masters degree is less than 6 months now.

But every once in a while, the rough days still appear.  I recognize that I am in a great time of transition in my life right now.  And those times can be scary and come with rough days.  Yet, I also know that from these times of transition, amazing things are born.  The past few days I couldn't see through the darkness.  Today, I see clearly.  You know how great it is to feel better after being sick?  You know how you appreciate the ability to swallow without pain and breathe out of your nose after not being able to do those things for a while?  You know how you ignore all that the rest of the year when you're not sick?  That's what it's like for me when coming out of a dark place.  The light is SO much brighter.  I feel so abundantly clear.  And the challenge is to hold on to THIS on a daily basis.  I'm so much better at that then I used to be, but I still have to remind myself, at times, that we all have crevices we have to climb out of now and then on this journey of life.  Falling in can be painful, the climb back up can be hard.  But arriving on the other side is magical and awe-inspiring and powerful.  

Here's to always finding the sun in the midst of a storm and the light in the darkest of places.

Nature

2014 has been a year of attempting mindfulness for me.  I have always been an anxious individual whose head tends to be spinning nearly 24/7.  Admittedly, there have been times when that constant thinking has served me well, but overall, it has mostly put an incredible burden on my body.  Last year, after ten years of therapy, I finally had some significant revelations about who I am and why I do the things I do.  Yes...TEN years of therapy.  Did I mention, I'm also stubborn?  ;)

Building off of my greater understanding of myself, I chose to truly make some changes in the way I live my life.  I have chosen to work on putting out positive energy on a daily basis.  I have chosen to embrace my strengths and not focus on what I consider to be my "weaknesses" because even those things can be strengths.  I have chosen to be mindful during my day.  I am still busy, but I take more time to experience moments and feel that I am living life more than just getting through day to day.  

One of the things I enjoy so much is my morning out on my porch as I start my day.  I drink my warm lemon water and just listen.  Sometimes it is silence I hear.  Wonderful, beautiful, silence.  Something I remember wishing for day after day when I had small children at home.  How I still LOVE the sound of silence.  Some days the birds are chatting with one another.  This morning, I listened to the rain fall.  And I experience it all.  All of my senses are alive and aware.  I listen, I smell the fresh morning air, I taste the cleansing lemon in the warm water, I feel the temperature and I see everything.  I see the clouds or the blue sky.  I see the sun or the moon and the early morning stars.  I see other neighbors as they begin their days.  And something I see and have always connected to is the tree in our front yard.  I love this tree.  It is the only tree we have and it marks all the seasons for me.  I take a picture of it every day I am out on the porch.  Today I decided that I'm going to post that picture as it is a tangible item that helps with being mindful of each and every day.  That tree changes just a little tiny bit every day and I love to witness the changes.  But seeing it through photos keeps me even more grounded.  

Today I'm posting both yesterday's picture and today's picture as they show the difference a day can make.  Nature is amazing and powerful and beautiful.  As is each day of life.  It is up to us to choose how we live it.  This does not mean that I don't still have very rough days.  I am human.  But even in the rough days, I practice mindfulness and I know the bad days don't last.  And I find it easier to dust myself off find my way again.  

So, here's to a new day, a new week and to being mindful...through my lone tree and the gifts of mother nature.  :)

Steps in Silent Stillness

When I began this blog, it was primarily to share my journey in caregiving and to shed some light on Parkinson's disease.  In my first post, I explained the title of this blog like this: 

"Steps in Silent Stillness has multiple meanings.  Steps to those with PD are often difficult.  Steps for caregivers are many and exhausting.  Silent speaks to those with PD who often lose the ability to express themselves through facial movements, cognition loss, and speech difficulties.  Silent also speaks to caregivers who just keep going, quite often in silence because those around them can never fully understand what they are going through.  I'm breaking that silence with this blog, but I know the majority of caregivers out there are still silently handling their responsibilities day in and day out.  And then stillness.  PD creates a stillness in people that is unwanted.  PD creates stiffness and the inability to move well.  And in a juxtaposition, stillness is what so many caregivers crave.  Moments to be still and rest that do not come easily or often." 

Yep...that is all still true.  However, I have realized that this blog is more about life and the journey I am on, which simply includes caregiving and my dad's Parkinson's disease.  It doesn't define me.  So, in addition to the above description, I have found that Steps in Silent Stillness also perfectly describes my current life journey.  It is constant steps and a constant desire to find that silent stillness in the world, which I am slowly finding.  So, the title of this blog still feel so perfect to me.  My focus of the blog has just changed a bit.  It's not so narrow...it's more about the full journey rather than just small pieces of it.  And instead of posting novel length Facebook posts, I'll use this place so people can choose to read or not and I won't take up entire screens of people's computer with Facebook posts.  ;)   

On that note...today, as I sat outside with my cup of warm lemon water, I felt the sting of the cold air and saw the thin dusting of snow on the ground, but as I listened to the birds chirp and sing, there was a slight sense of Spring in the air, and that sense of new beginnings that always comes with Spring.

I realized this morning that over the winter I have added in new rituals...lemon water every morning and sitting out on my front porch as many mornings as possible.  And I LOVE these new additions to my life.  And have no problem continuing with them.  I haven't missed one day of lemon water.  The quiet mornings on my front porch renew me and ground me and prepare me for my day in such a peaceful way.

I can't help but see that the additions to my life have been more successful and more fulfilling and more sustainable than all the times I've tried to remove something from my life.  Now, that doesn't mean I don't still monitor the food I eat, because I do.  But I don't restrict myself from anything.  If I determine that I truly want a piece of chocolate, I let myself have it.  And knowing I can have what I want keeps me from going on a binge and feeling badly later.  Adding in the mindful part to eating has been more successful than telling myself there are certain foods I can no longer have.  

Come to think of it, I always enjoyed addition over subtraction and multiplication over division.  ;)  I like this idea of adding to my life instead of subtracting from it.  And I've noticed that in the adding in of positive things, the negative things simply don't have as much space available to them in my life.  :)