Dear Kelli

I have been participating in an April Love project on Facebook again this year.  Today is obviously the last day and today's cue is appropriately titled, "Dear {Your Name}.  I don't know how many other people are lucky enough to be doing April Love and ending it on their birthday with the prompt to write a letter to their self, but I am definitely that person.  

And so I decided to blog it, because it feels bigger than just a FB post.

So, here goes:

Dear Kelli,

Today we turn 47.  FORTY SEVEN!  How the hell did we get here?  And how is it that we still feel 16?  Well, maybe not 16...but 27...yes...we definitely feel no older than 27.  But the calendar says we're twenty years older than that.  And okay, our body says it at times too.  We don't lose weight like we did at 27.  We don't have the energy we did at 27.  Our bones creak and snap more than they did at 27.  And we definitely moan and groan when we bend over to pick something up.  But in our heart, we definitely don't feel 47.  Or maybe we do.  We definitely look at the world completely differently than we did at 27.  Damn, we wouldn't even recognize us at 27.  The amount of life we've lived in the past 20 years is sort of staggering.

We hadn't birthed a baby yet.  

We hadn't experienced a postpartum mood disorder.

We hadn't become a birth doula or a childbirth educator.  Nor did something like that even cross our mind.

We hadn't birthed our second baby at home, in our living room, in a birth pool.  

We hadn't been through a life-changing, difficult divorce and hadn't experienced any of the humbling experiences that came with it or the eventual, incredible, growth.

Our mom hadn't had cancer and she hadn't died, nor could we have imagined surviving that or becoming "friends" with death and grief.

We didn't have a bachelors degree.  

Or a masters degree.

We didn't own our own business and have a main office AND a satellite office.

Our dad wasn't living in assisted living. We weren't taking care of him and learning absolutely everything about Parkinson's we could learn.  We hadn't lost him yet.

At 27, we definitely hadn't met the love of our life.  Although, he was only 16 then.  ;)

Damn, looking at all of that...we've been through a lot in 20 years.  So, although we may feel 27, we've got to be pretty darn glad we're not because without all of those experiences, and all the others in between, we wouldn't be who we are today.  And we're kinda awesome.  :)

We have two amazing children (we've managed to get one to almost adulthood!), an equally amazing step-son, a remarkably wonderful husband, a home (and super awesome car!) we love and a career that we built and that we love so much.  

Of course, we also live with anxiety and depression and grief that come and go at times.  But we lived with most of that at 27 too.  We just didn't have names for all of it.  We didn't understand it.  And we didn't respect the emotions for the growth they provide.

So, maybe we feel like we can't possibly be more than 27.  But, we know the truth is that we'd never want to go back.  47 is pretty awesome.  Admittedly, we kinda don't recognize our body in the mirror anymore.  But it's still a strong body.  It can hold a 2 minute plank, it can hold yoga poses and ride a stationary bike and hula hoop like nobody's business.  

And this 47 year old still listens to our car stereo louder than anyone of those boys we live with likes to hear it.  And we can still scream like a 16 year old at every Def Leppard concert (although our ears ring for days instead of a few hours now. ;) ).  

Being 47 doesn't mean we can't still have fun.  

So, let's talk about that for a minute.  46 has been rough.  We know this.  And fun has been hard to come by.  Let's promise to find it again in this upcoming 48th year.

Let's worry less and dance around the house more.

Let's sleep in and snuggle instead of jumping out of bed to get things done every day.  

Let's create more laugh lines on our face.

Let's look at that list above and realize all we've been through.  And remember that we've survived it all and come out stronger.  Every.Single.Time.

And let's look down at that tattoo on our foot and remember that Everything will always be OK.  And we can believe it because for 47 years, it has been true.  There's no reason to believe that will ever change.

Today we celebrate US.  Albeit, we're doing it at a video game tournament, but that's what moms do.  :)  We still celebrate all 47 of the past years and we look forward to the next one.  We honor where we've been and where we're going.  Yes...this is the first year without either of our parents on this earth.  That sucks.  It stinks to not have the people who created us here to celebrate us.  But that just means it's time to do a better job of celebrating our self.  Not just today...but every day.

But today, my friend, put that tiara on, wear it proudly, embarrass your children just a little bit (thankfully, they're pretty cool with it), pull those shoulders back, stand up straight, own each and every one of those 47 years like the bad ass you are.  

Happy Birthday to ME!  Here's to 48 being the best year yet!  :)