Birthdays and Holidays

It's been a while since I've blogged.  Wanna know why?  No?  Okay, you can close this now.  Otherwise, I'm going to tell you why.  ;)

Confession time: I haven't been able to blog because I haven't been okay.

Yep.  That's me.  Not okay.  Well, I'm okay.  I'm just sorta not okay.  Got that?  ;)

I was so close to the pulling myself up over the edge of the pit last time I posted.  And honestly, maybe I actually did pull myself over.  But then I collapsed at the top and laid there for a month or so.  Unable to move.  Unable to recover from my climb.  Unsure how to move forward. 

And it was ugly.  And hard.  And scary.

And I fought it.  And then I let myself feel it.  

And now I feel like I'm up and on my feet and maybe have taken a step or two in the direction of the next mountain which seems to be awfully close.

And that mountain looks like my birthday, and mother's day and father's day.  All jumbled up into one big clump of mountains.  

My birthday is this Saturday, mother's day is a week later, and then father's day a few weeks after that.  

It kinda makes sense why I've been avoiding my birthday.  Because if I can avoid that mountain I don't have to do the others.  Right?  

No?  That's not the way it works?  Crap.

So, here's the thing.  This is my first birthday on this earth without both the people who gave me that birthday.  The reality is that seven years ago, on my 40th birthday, I knew things would never be the same.  My mom was just a week out of a week-long, scary hospital stay.  She had just come home with hospice care.  I drove up to see her because I knew it would be my last birthday with her.  And she didn't know it was my birthday.  The next six birthdays weren't all that monumental either.  Dad remembered the first couple, but 3 years ago, we had just moved him to assisted living two days prior to my birthday.  I spent my birthday with him trying to help him acclimate himself to his new world.  And then the two following birthdays, I had to remind him what day it was.  So, it's not as though my parents were making a big deal out of any of the past 6 birthdays.  But this one...there is no expectation.  They aren't here.  Maybe not having that expectation will be a good thing.  I won't know until Saturday is here I guess.  Thankfully I'll be busy and preoccupied at a video game competition with my kids.  (I'm a damn good mom...my kids better talk about the time I spent my birthday at their video game competition when they're writing my eulogy. ;) ).  

And then there's Mother's Day which has been kind of rough since mom died.  And then my first Father's Day without my dad.  This is all piling up.  I know it's all coming.  

I spent a lot of money and a lot of time with my ND yesterday working on my hormones.  Getting my adrenals back in working order.  I left feeling joyful for the first time in a long time.  And I do feel better today.  

I have a big Mother's Day blog in my head.  I don't know if I'll get it written.  We'll see.  I start a vacation today.  A vacation of just spending time with my kids and my husband.  Nothing special.  But just lots of time with the most important people in my life.  We'll see if the blog makes it in there.  

But if you're the space holding kind...I'd love if you could hold a little for me as I start taking steps towards that big cluster of mountains ahead of me.  I'm determined to continue to find joy on this journey.  But in order to find that, I know I have to feel the pain.