Dear Kelli

I have been participating in an April Love project on Facebook again this year.  Today is obviously the last day and today's cue is appropriately titled, "Dear {Your Name}.  I don't know how many other people are lucky enough to be doing April Love and ending it on their birthday with the prompt to write a letter to their self, but I am definitely that person.  

And so I decided to blog it, because it feels bigger than just a FB post.

So, here goes:

Dear Kelli,

Today we turn 47.  FORTY SEVEN!  How the hell did we get here?  And how is it that we still feel 16?  Well, maybe not 16...but 27...yes...we definitely feel no older than 27.  But the calendar says we're twenty years older than that.  And okay, our body says it at times too.  We don't lose weight like we did at 27.  We don't have the energy we did at 27.  Our bones creak and snap more than they did at 27.  And we definitely moan and groan when we bend over to pick something up.  But in our heart, we definitely don't feel 47.  Or maybe we do.  We definitely look at the world completely differently than we did at 27.  Damn, we wouldn't even recognize us at 27.  The amount of life we've lived in the past 20 years is sort of staggering.

We hadn't birthed a baby yet.  

We hadn't experienced a postpartum mood disorder.

We hadn't become a birth doula or a childbirth educator.  Nor did something like that even cross our mind.

We hadn't birthed our second baby at home, in our living room, in a birth pool.  

We hadn't been through a life-changing, difficult divorce and hadn't experienced any of the humbling experiences that came with it or the eventual, incredible, growth.

Our mom hadn't had cancer and she hadn't died, nor could we have imagined surviving that or becoming "friends" with death and grief.

We didn't have a bachelors degree.  

Or a masters degree.

We didn't own our own business and have a main office AND a satellite office.

Our dad wasn't living in assisted living. We weren't taking care of him and learning absolutely everything about Parkinson's we could learn.  We hadn't lost him yet.

At 27, we definitely hadn't met the love of our life.  Although, he was only 16 then.  ;)

Damn, looking at all of that...we've been through a lot in 20 years.  So, although we may feel 27, we've got to be pretty darn glad we're not because without all of those experiences, and all the others in between, we wouldn't be who we are today.  And we're kinda awesome.  :)

We have two amazing children (we've managed to get one to almost adulthood!), an equally amazing step-son, a remarkably wonderful husband, a home (and super awesome car!) we love and a career that we built and that we love so much.  

Of course, we also live with anxiety and depression and grief that come and go at times.  But we lived with most of that at 27 too.  We just didn't have names for all of it.  We didn't understand it.  And we didn't respect the emotions for the growth they provide.

So, maybe we feel like we can't possibly be more than 27.  But, we know the truth is that we'd never want to go back.  47 is pretty awesome.  Admittedly, we kinda don't recognize our body in the mirror anymore.  But it's still a strong body.  It can hold a 2 minute plank, it can hold yoga poses and ride a stationary bike and hula hoop like nobody's business.  

And this 47 year old still listens to our car stereo louder than anyone of those boys we live with likes to hear it.  And we can still scream like a 16 year old at every Def Leppard concert (although our ears ring for days instead of a few hours now. ;) ).  

Being 47 doesn't mean we can't still have fun.  

So, let's talk about that for a minute.  46 has been rough.  We know this.  And fun has been hard to come by.  Let's promise to find it again in this upcoming 48th year.

Let's worry less and dance around the house more.

Let's sleep in and snuggle instead of jumping out of bed to get things done every day.  

Let's create more laugh lines on our face.

Let's look at that list above and realize all we've been through.  And remember that we've survived it all and come out stronger.  Every.Single.Time.

And let's look down at that tattoo on our foot and remember that Everything will always be OK.  And we can believe it because for 47 years, it has been true.  There's no reason to believe that will ever change.

Today we celebrate US.  Albeit, we're doing it at a video game tournament, but that's what moms do.  :)  We still celebrate all 47 of the past years and we look forward to the next one.  We honor where we've been and where we're going.  Yes...this is the first year without either of our parents on this earth.  That sucks.  It stinks to not have the people who created us here to celebrate us.  But that just means it's time to do a better job of celebrating our self.  Not just today...but every day.

But today, my friend, put that tiara on, wear it proudly, embarrass your children just a little bit (thankfully, they're pretty cool with it), pull those shoulders back, stand up straight, own each and every one of those 47 years like the bad ass you are.  

Happy Birthday to ME!  Here's to 48 being the best year yet!  :)

Birthdays and Holidays

It's been a while since I've blogged.  Wanna know why?  No?  Okay, you can close this now.  Otherwise, I'm going to tell you why.  ;)

Confession time: I haven't been able to blog because I haven't been okay.

Yep.  That's me.  Not okay.  Well, I'm okay.  I'm just sorta not okay.  Got that?  ;)

I was so close to the pulling myself up over the edge of the pit last time I posted.  And honestly, maybe I actually did pull myself over.  But then I collapsed at the top and laid there for a month or so.  Unable to move.  Unable to recover from my climb.  Unsure how to move forward. 

And it was ugly.  And hard.  And scary.

And I fought it.  And then I let myself feel it.  

And now I feel like I'm up and on my feet and maybe have taken a step or two in the direction of the next mountain which seems to be awfully close.

And that mountain looks like my birthday, and mother's day and father's day.  All jumbled up into one big clump of mountains.  

My birthday is this Saturday, mother's day is a week later, and then father's day a few weeks after that.  

It kinda makes sense why I've been avoiding my birthday.  Because if I can avoid that mountain I don't have to do the others.  Right?  

No?  That's not the way it works?  Crap.

So, here's the thing.  This is my first birthday on this earth without both the people who gave me that birthday.  The reality is that seven years ago, on my 40th birthday, I knew things would never be the same.  My mom was just a week out of a week-long, scary hospital stay.  She had just come home with hospice care.  I drove up to see her because I knew it would be my last birthday with her.  And she didn't know it was my birthday.  The next six birthdays weren't all that monumental either.  Dad remembered the first couple, but 3 years ago, we had just moved him to assisted living two days prior to my birthday.  I spent my birthday with him trying to help him acclimate himself to his new world.  And then the two following birthdays, I had to remind him what day it was.  So, it's not as though my parents were making a big deal out of any of the past 6 birthdays.  But this one...there is no expectation.  They aren't here.  Maybe not having that expectation will be a good thing.  I won't know until Saturday is here I guess.  Thankfully I'll be busy and preoccupied at a video game competition with my kids.  (I'm a damn good mom...my kids better talk about the time I spent my birthday at their video game competition when they're writing my eulogy. ;) ).  

And then there's Mother's Day which has been kind of rough since mom died.  And then my first Father's Day without my dad.  This is all piling up.  I know it's all coming.  

I spent a lot of money and a lot of time with my ND yesterday working on my hormones.  Getting my adrenals back in working order.  I left feeling joyful for the first time in a long time.  And I do feel better today.  

I have a big Mother's Day blog in my head.  I don't know if I'll get it written.  We'll see.  I start a vacation today.  A vacation of just spending time with my kids and my husband.  Nothing special.  But just lots of time with the most important people in my life.  We'll see if the blog makes it in there.  

But if you're the space holding kind...I'd love if you could hold a little for me as I start taking steps towards that big cluster of mountains ahead of me.  I'm determined to continue to find joy on this journey.  But in order to find that, I know I have to feel the pain.