You Lose Some, You Win Some

Today was one of those rare days when absolutely everything went even better than I could have imagined.  And that's important because last night I couldn't sleep due to my old nemesis anxiety telling me every possible story of every terrible thing that could happen today.  And anxiety continued with its stories this morning.  I didn't sleep much last night and then woke up still anxious.  I broke out in hives.  I was jittery.  I was nervous.  Anxiety was winning.

And here's the thing.  I have anxiety.  I have ALWAYS had anxiety.  I can remember stories growing up when my anxiety was completely out of control, but no one gave it a name back then.  No one said, "Hey Kelli, this is just anxiety telling you a story.  Let's see what we can do about this."  Nope.  So I didn't understand it.  And the world was scary.  And it just kept getting scarier.  Especially after I had kids and suddenly had these two amazing human beings to take care of.  Holy smokes, did anxiety enjoy that!!  

But for the past ten years (TEN YEARS!) I have been working and working and working on my anxiety.  I have done the super hard work.  I have processed through the causes of my anxiety.  I have been furious.  I have been heartbroken.  But I have come to an understanding of where my anxiety comes from.  I have also come to the understanding that it will never truly leave me.  It is part of me.  However, I have learned how to manage it pretty well.  I have learned how to let go.  I have learned, and truly believed, that there is no control in this world and how to work with that.  I don't always like it.  But I have the tools.  

Nonetheless, you can do all your work.  You can work your damn ass off for years and years and years.  You can be a mental health counselor and help others through their own anxiety.  And then something happens in your life, like your dad dying, and everything you thought you knew gets turned on its head.  And you realize that you knew how to manage the anxiety you knew then.  You did all that work.  You met anxiety eye-to-eye and told it that it wasn't going to rule your life.  And then your life shatters.  Everything you knew to be true changes and anxiety jumps in and takes over.  And it has new stories.  It's ramped up its game.  And you dumped your tool belt when your world spun upside down.  Your tools are scattered all over this new path.  And the path is dark.  And you can't find your tools.  And anxiety knows this.  And looks you in the eyes and says, "Welcome back, old friend, I have stories to tell you."  And they're scary stories.  And detailed stories that, in the dark, seem like they could actually be real.  And they paralyze you with fear.  Fear that you thought you had beat.  That you did beat.  But it's back.  And it's bigger.

And anxiety starts winning.  It wins in the dark.  Sometimes it wins in the daytime.  Like last night and this morning. 

And today, I had two choices.  I could let anxiety win again and disappoint my son.  Or I could fight back.  Anxiety is a familiar opponent.  But those tools...I couldn't find my tools.

However, the one thing that trumps anxiety (almost always) is my kids.  And anxiety knows this.  So, it upped its game.

So, I decided I had to do the same.

Because here was the deal...which is going to sound like nothing for those of you who have never had anxiety.  My son wanted to go to the Space Needle for his birthday.  We had planned to go Monday, but the weather turned on us.  He really didn't want to go in the rain so I promised him that if the weather cleared at all this week, we would go.  And that if that didn't work out, we'd go on the first clear day when I wasn't working.  

And then my week went on.  And I kind of let the whole idea go because the long-term weather forecast wasn't looking too promising.  And then, mid-day yesterday, it suddenly looked like the weather was clearing up for today.  And not just clearing up, but looking pretty beautiful.  Out of nowhere.  And suddenly, the Space Needle was back on.  And it wasn't just the Space Needle, but it was taking the foot ferry to a bigger ferry to Seattle and then walking to to the Space Needle and then going UP the Space Needle and doing it all again on the way home.  All stuff I had never done before.  

And it didn't give me time to prepare, and anxiety took advantage.  And it hit me hard last night.  Oh, if I could only tell you all the stories it told me, but this blog post is already long enough.  Suffice it to say, there were simple things like getting lost, to really awesome things like earthquakes and terrorist attacks.  In not one of these stories was there ever anything like, "Hey, the weather is going to be nice, you might actually have fun."  Nope.  Anxiety doesn't play like that.

This morning I found myself nearly in tears.  Christopher was still sleeping and I was seriously wondering if I was going to be able to go through with the day.  But there was NO way I was letting that kid down.

So, off we went...only to not be able to find a parking spot at the foot ferry.  Great.  "Just the beginning of what was sure to be a long day", anxiety reminded me.  We drove around for about 20 minutes and were just getting ready to drive to the main ferry dock when a spot, right up front, opened up.  And that, my friends, was the worst thing that happened all day.  

From that point on, the universe graced me with peace.  Did I have moments?  Absolutely.  Did I push right through them? Yep.  Our first foot ferry experience was fun, the Bremerton/Seattle ferry was smooth and beautiful.  We planned to walk to the Space Needle and then realized we could grab the monorail and cut our time in half.  We got to the monorail and jumped right on without any wait.  And then the Space Needle...That big, scary, Space Needle.  And it was absolutely fine.  AND...I had fun.  And Christopher LOVED it.  And then our trip back, we jumped right back on the monorail, didn't get lost at all.  Made it right back to the ferry, had another lovely ride back and a quick foot ferry ride home.

  

It was, quite honestly, the perfect day.  The weather could not have been more beautiful, especially for January 14th.  And there was not one little kink in the day except for the delay in parking.  

And right there in front of me...all day long...my path lit up.  I found many of my old tools.  Not all of them...but found enough to get me through.   

And my son looked at me and said, "This was the BEST day!"  

Last night, anxiety won.  

Today, I won.  

This doesn't mean anxiety and I don't have another long road ahead of us.  But I'll keep finding my tools.  And I'll build new ones for this new and improved anxiety.  And I'll keep doing my work.  Tonight.  Tomorrow.  Forever.  Because I'm human.  And I have anxiety.  And some days anxiety will still win.  But not without a fight.  And not today.

Today, I took a little piece of me back.  A piece I have missed for the past several months.  

And this is what it looked like:

Butterflies and Rainbows

I had a heck of a time coming up with a title for this post.  Until I wrote the very last sentence.  You'll have to muddle through all the stuff before that to understand.  :)

Three years ago, I started a ritual that I have carried on at the end of every year.  I do two things.  I get a Goddess Reading from Amy Palko (http://www.amypalko.com/) to determine which Goddess will accompany me over the next year and I do a lot of meditating and reflecting over what word feels like it will be my core word for the next year.  I also spend some time reflecting on last year's Goddess and words. 

In 2015 my Goddess was Gyhldeptis, the Goddess of Harmonic Agreement.   In my reading, it stated that "The emphasis of your year will lie in communication in order to find common ground  This will represent a move away from fragmentation, divisiveness, and discordance.  And just as you address this unification at the level of the heart, mind, body and soul, it'll be reflected in your outer world.  Look for mirrors in the situations around you, and bring you ability to invite harmony into play - you'll be doing a favor for yourself and for others!"  Gyhldeptis brought with her the words Peace, Unity, Union, Harmony, Coherence and Balance.  And then the word I chose for my year (or that chose me) me after much reflection was Soar.  

Interestingly, at the end of 2014, I left a difficult situation.  A situation where I did NOT feel in harmonic agreement.  The end of 2014 was rough as I was grieving the loss of something that had been important to me.  But I knew it was time to move on.  Early 2015 (really for the first 5-6 months) absolutely felt like a unification of my heart, mind, body and soul.  And I most definitely felt myself soaring (not to mention, I actually DID soar...on an airplane...and survived with most my mental faculties intact.  ;) )

The second half of 2015 was a different story, but I believe it was imperative that I had that first half in order to prepare myself for the second half. 

So, here at the beginning of 2016, the Goddess that presented herself is Psyche.  Which, honestly, made this 80s girl laugh...because...really?  Psyche?  It felt like my goddess reading was taunting me.  As though I wasn't going to really get a goddess this year.  Joke was on me.  

And then I started reading about Psyche and it all made sense.  Google her if you want all the nitty gritty details, but bottom line: "Together, the tasks taught Psyche discernment (seeds), empowerment & wisdom (fleece), distance/objectivity (spring water), and the art of saying no (Underworld).  Upon achieving success in each of these tasks, Psyche was changed into a goddess and reunited with Eros.  When we develop these attributes in ourselves, we find that we can manage Aphrodite's overwhelming energy a bit better.  We can stand firmer in our sense of self.  So much packed in here, right?  Trust, autonomy, love, sovereignty, metamorphosis.  Psyche teaches us how not to lose ourselves to our emotions, how to retain a sense of perspective that allows us to continue to make conscious choices, and how to survive a metamorphosis of self."

"Metamorphosis of Self"  <--------- That feels like my 2016.

Psyche brings the words Initiation, Love, Growth, Metamorphosis.  

Initiation into the world of adult orphans.

Growth and Metamorphosis as I learn to make my way through this new world of mine.

Love - well, it's all love, isn't it?  But I feel strongly this is Love for myself this year.  That it is time I start taking care of me.  My parents are gone.  My kids are getting older.  It's time to put a little more focus on myself and give myself a little (a lot?) more love.  

But then came my word.  I did the 5 day process I always do.  I did a lot of meditating.  A lot of reflection.  And it came down to two words.  And I simply could not feel one of them coming in louder than the other.  So, I decided there's no rule here.  I don't HAVE to have one word.  Maybe my challenge this year is to break out of that old mold and let myself have both the words that presented to me.  I was pretty clear that Expand was the first one.  And it felt right.  It tied right into that Metamorphosis and it feels as though now is time for me to expand my wings.  My business is growing.  I have a new satellite office.  My world is expanding.  But then the other word wouldn't let go.  And it was just as loud.  

Nourish.  

I didn't want that word.  I wanted it to be Expand.  Expand sounded like moving forward.  Nourish is not something I am good at for myself.  But Nourish wouldn't leave as so I accepted it as my co-word.  I can Expand and Nourish at the same time.  In fact, that is likely the best way to do both.  Together.  Both words have much to teach me.

And then there's this: http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/avoidance-in-grief/ 

And THAT is likely another blog post all in its own.

Nonetheless, it is VERY clear that I have been doing a beautiful job of avoidance.  Here I am, Miss Transparent.  Miss "This Is How I Grieve".  And it seems that I have found my way to almost complete avoidance.  

Well, maybe that's a little hard on myself (back to that nourish and self-love here...). I AM grieving.  I have felt a LOT.  And I don't stop it when it comes.  But somewhere along the way, I put up a wall to stop the stuff from coming.  I think it felt like it was getting too hard.  It felt like more than I actually could manage.  And the little girl inside of me sort of ran and hid.  She (and I) have lost the protection we were accustomed to.  And it feels lonely and scary in this world right now.  

At the end of my two weeks of sleep-deprivation with a sick kid, I had an epiphany.  Because sleep deprivation tears your down and doesn't allow you the energy to keep those walls up.   Life feels incredibly fragile to me right now.  And I really feel like everyone I love is going to die and leave me.  Quite literally.  And that's a rotten feeling.  So, I found a way to avoid it.  Not consciously, but I found a way without realizing it.  

So, what does all this mean?  

Who the hell knows?

All I really know is that I get through my days.  Honestly, most of them I get through pretty well.  At least if I'm working.  Have I mentioned that I LOVE my job?  (Although it might offer me a little of that avoidance these days... )

The nights are hard.  But the sun keeps coming back up.  

Metamorphosis is hard.  Have you ever watched a caterpillar spin a cocoon and the work it takes to break out of that cocoon as a butterfly?  Nothing easy about it.  But they don't complain, they just do it.  

2016 doesn't look to be an easy year, but... Expand, Nourish, Metamorphosis...those can't be all bad.  Right?

Right?  Anyone??  ;)

Hard...but not all bad.  Although, admittedly, I'm human and I'm kind of tired of hard.  I'll keep my eye out for the easy moments along the way and hope to catch one here and there.  And I'll remind myself that no storm lasts forever.  And some of the hardest storms provide the most beautiful rainbows.

Here's to butterflies and rainbows!  :)

New Year 2016

Today would be my dad's 79th birthday.  

Today is the first New Years Day that I can ever remember when I didn't see my dad, or at the very least, make a phone call.  New Years has always been an important day in my life.  It was also my grandma's birthday (my dad's mom).  It's just always been more than just a holiday in my life.  

Today has been odd.

I had originally planned to go to the cemetery, but we're on day 19 of a miserable cold in our house and I was up again most of the night with a coughing kid.  I feel like a mom with a newborn and driving a car doesn't even feel safe right now.  I'm tired and run down and raw.  So I stayed home.  

This cold has allowed me to have a distraction over Christmas and now New Years.  But the reality of all of it has settled in today.  

Having said that...It's a new year.  A fresh slate laid out in front of me.  I'm ready to move forward.  My parents would not, in any way, want me to stop my life.  That doesn't mean I don't grieve.  It means I grieve when I need to grieve and then I keep moving forward.  I have ideas for this year.  Of course, I know well enough now that "plans" are simply "plans".  I have no control over where life takes me.  I only have control over how I handle what life throws my way.  

Right now, I am exhausted and ready for this cold to leave my home.  But...I have no control over that.  I have to ride it out.  Which means putting my new years plans on the back burner until we're all healthy again.  It's making me frustrated.  And in the dark, in the middle of the night, I don't think clearly.  And my brain LOVES to tell me stories.  And right now, I'm simply doing the best I can.  

What I know is that 2015 did a number on me.  And I feel the weight of the past six months.  But what I also know is that every day, I still get up and move forward.  And that's progress.  

But I'd really like the universe to back off just a bit.  I need some breathing room.  I need my family (and myself) to be healthy.  I don't know how much longer I can go at this pace.  And I'm not afraid to admit it.  I'm not a robot.  I'm human.  A human who is grieving.  And exhausted.  And who really needs a break.

Maybe that break will come tonight.  Maybe not.  

But come tomorrow, I will have survived my first holiday season without both my parents.  And I will have survived dad's first birthday without him.  That's something.  

And then I'll take another step.  In search of that break.