Mother's Day

This will be my 5th Mother's Day without my mom.

This was my 1st: http://findingmymom.blogspot.com/2010_05_01_archive.html


That one was rough.

So was year two...and year three. 

As soon as the Mother's Day cards would show up in the stores, I'd start getting sad.  And mad.   And annoyed.

At the same time, by year two, I remembered how hard it always was to find the "right" card for my mom with whom I had an often tumultuous relationship.  I began to watch people reading Mother's Day cards and found it fascinating.  Pick up a card, put it back, over and over and over.  I wasn't the only one with a difficult relationship with my mom.  Been there...done that...didn't miss it.  

But I missed having a mom.  

Cut to my 5th Mother's Day without a mom...and the day is certainly still a trigger.  But time does heal.  Well...time and a lot of therapy.  ;)

I am much more capable of enjoying Mother's Day as a mother.  I am able to handle Facebook posts...for the most part...I know when it's too much and when I am triggered.

Over the past few months I have copied and pasted my entire blog from when my mom was sick (see above link) into a word document.  My intent is to bind it somehow...potentially make a book out of it...for me to have and keep.  It was powerful to read through each and every post and to remember where I was back then...and how far I've come.  It's still painful, but my mom's death was life changing for me.  As the death of a mom should be.  I've learned so much about myself.  I am incredibly stronger.  I am proud of who I am today.  There was a time in my life when I couldn't imagine the world without my mom.  Now, I've managed 4 and 1/2 rotations around the sun without her.  And the world is still a beautiful place.

I won't lie...there have been experiences in my life that I desperately wished I could share with my mom.  My Bachelor's Degree being a big one.  I know how proud she would have been.  I will  have my Master's Degree in 4 months.  I will miss not sharing this with my mom.  There are a lot of things I want to call and talk to her about.  At the same time, I have also had experiences when I thought, "Gosh, I'm so glad I don't have to talk to mom about this".  She and I had different ideas about things.  Choices I made were not always ones she approved of...and I spent most of my life trying to get her approval.  I don't have to do that anymore.  My choices are mine.  My life is mine.  And that's pretty damn freeing.  

Along those lines, because of those experiences with my mom, I am determined that my children will know I love and support them ALWAYS...through any decision they choose to make...whether it is one that I agree with or not.  Their lives are not mine to live.  They get to make their own choices and I will always, always, always love them.  Period.  I hope they never stay awake at night worrying about my reaction to a decision in their life.  I don't know...maybe everyone does that...but I want my kids to know that I will always support them.  I will always be their safety net.  Always.  No judgement.  It is not my place to judge.  It is my place to love and support them.  

My mom loved me.  But she took a lot of my decisions and wondered how they reflected on her.  And they simply didn't.  But I understand how easy it is to carry those feelings as a mother and I give her grace for that.

But the reality is...I don't have to make her proud of me anymore.  And I will never disappoint her again.  And that's big in my life.  What a difference 4 and 1/2 years makes.  

On the 4th anniversary of her death last October, I walked upstairs to find both the touch lamps on in the master bedroom.  Olly and I rarely touch those things.  And I had never seen them both on before.  There had been no weird weather activity or a low lying plane to cause any shaking in the house.  Yet, there they were...both on, shining bright.  And instantly, I just had this sense that it was mom.  And that she was saying good-bye.  She was affirming that I was okay without her now.  It was an incredibly strong feeling.  And since that day, I haven't felt her around.  I don't sense that she is nearby as I had before.  And, although I missed that feeling at the beginning, it quickly felt as though I was lighter.  Mom knew I was okay without her.  And she was able to finally be free.  I believe she knew that I understood her better.  I understood her demons and her struggles and she knew that we simply understood each other better after her death than we did during her life.  

And so here we are on the 1st Mother's Day since that day.  And yes...it's a trigger.  And yes, there will likely always be the feeling that something is missing.  But this Mother's Day is different.  There is so much more peace.  This year I can enjoy my boys and enjoy just being their mom.  And I can honor my mom for giving me life.  For doing her best.  For not being perfect.  And for lighting the path on so many lessons I needed to learn.

I found this article and enjoyed the 10 ideas to keep a memory alive.  Mother's Day Without Your Mother  I have my own ways...I donate to hospice every year.  I like the idea of an act of kindness.  My mom was an incredibly giving person and yet, never felt like she deserved the same kindness.  We all deserve kindness.  My mom deserved a lot more than she got.  

So, here I sit on the eve of my 5th Mother's Day weekend without my mom.  And gratefully, these past years have held so much growth.  I have learned so much about myself and my mom.  I have become stronger than I ever could have imagined I could be.  I still have a lot of work to do, but the fact that I've come this far in 4 & 1/2 years is important and powerful.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there.  If you are someone without a mom this year, or if you have a mom with whom you have a difficult relationship, or you have an absent mother, honor wherever you are in that process and know you are not alone.  Without our mothers none of us would be here.  I am of the belief that we all pick our mothers because they are the one to best be able to teach us the life lessons we need to learn.  I know my mom did that for me, although it took me many, many years to understand the lessons.

On Sunday, my 12 year old and I will make his special macaroni and cheese together.  And I will laugh.  And I will enjoy this time with my children.  And I will send up a little shout out to my mom for giving me this life and this opportunity to become a mother myself and to be blessed with the amazing gift of my two children.   

I wish you all an opportunity to find laughter and joy this Mother's Day.