Turn, Turn, Turn

"The journey between who you once were,

And who you are now becoming,

Is where the dance of life really takes place".

~ Barbara DeAngelis

Sixteen years ago, I was a pregnant first time mom.  I was SO excited for that baby.  And so excited to start my new life as a stay-at-home mom.  I was 29 years old.  I'd held several jobs for the 13 years prior.  Some were good, some weren't great.  None felt truly fulfilling.  I often longed for a job where I felt as though I was making a difference and not just a number on a payroll check.  Motherhood was going to make a difference in this one baby's life.  That I knew.  And I was ready for it.  What I was not ready for, and had to way of preparing for, was the change that baby was going to make in my life.

Giving birth to that baby changed everything for me.  I became someone new.  Through a long empowering labor, more sleepness nights than I could count, a devastating postpartum mood disorder, diaper changes, baby tears, mama tears, more questions than answers, throughout it all...somehow...I began to find myself.  The birth of that baby began an entire new period of my life.  Motherhood was life altering.

If you had told me 16 years ago that I would become a birth doula and childbirth educator, I would have laughed out loud.  But that's who I became.  And I was (and still am) good at that work.  I found a passion...a true passion...and I did work that was making a difference in the world.  All because of that little baby boy.  He came into my world to teach me.  To open me up to things I hadn't seen before.  To experience the depths of despair to find what I was made of and to rise up again.  That boy chose me because he knew I needed him. And he was right.

Every step for the past almost 16 years started with his birth.  Two years later I was a Birth Doula, then a Childbirth Educator, then a Postnatal Educator...then after falling into a dark hole, I climbed out with even more strength than I ever knew I had.  He and his brother were my inspirations. That second little baby chose me beyond a shadow of a doubt.  Dramatic happenings occurred to bring him into the world because he knew I needed him.  Those boys created the fight in me.  They created the mama bear.  They created the woman who knew I had to be better for them. And because of them, I found the light again.  The real light.  The shining light of who I was at my core.  And the world opened up for me.

I finished my Bachelor's Degree at 42 years old, I became a Counselor and started my Masters Degree.  And then my mom became sick and died.  And I survived.  And I learned.  And I grew.  And life and death blurred.  And became intertwined and connected.  And I changed my Masters program and in less than 3 months, I will have a Masters Degree in Gerontology and will hold the title of Gerontologist and Geriatric Care Manager.

And today, I began the next step...I enrolled in a Death Midwifery Certification program.  A Death Midwife is defined as a practitioner who is committed to offering services (information, guidance, counseling, etc.) for all facets of the pan-death process, which includes three major stages of death/dying: Before (life threatening or terminal illness), During (active dying and death) and After (final rites, burial or cremation, funeral or memorial, bereavement).  And thereby provides a continuum of direct support throughout all 7 stages included within which are:

1. End-of Life Education and Preparation

2. After the Terminal Diagnosis

3. During the Active Dying Stage

4. The Transition of Death Itself

5. Immediately Post Death

6. Final Arrangements

7. Care for the Bereaved Family

Sixteen years ago, death terrified me.  Shoot, 6 years ago death terrified me.  And then it came and it took my mother while she was in my arms.  And it was heartbreaking and powerful at the same time.  And I swear death touched me, anointed me if you will, and my passion for death was born.  Just as I have believed for so many years that there are many different ways to give birth and people should be allowed to choose where and how they would like to birth and that they deserve support throughout the process and through postpartum, I believe people deserve to choose where and how they die and how their body is handled post-death and that those who are dying, and those who love them, deserve support throughout the process.  

And so here I am...preparing to add to my repertoire the art of Death Midwifery.  It feels like a natural extension of my Birth Doula work.  It is so clear to me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  And I have to give credit where credit is due...that sweet little baby who came into my world almost 16 years ago to help me find myself.  Now he's embarking on his own path to find himself and my role is to hold his space and support him if/when he needs me.  He taught me this role that I have carried over into so many aspects of my life.  His brother helped enhance the role.  They are my teachers, among the many other who have come into my life over the years.  But they were my first.  They were the ones who taught me the dance moves in this dance of life.

And so the dance continues...

Mother's Day

This will be my 5th Mother's Day without my mom.

This was my 1st: http://findingmymom.blogspot.com/2010_05_01_archive.html


That one was rough.

So was year two...and year three. 

As soon as the Mother's Day cards would show up in the stores, I'd start getting sad.  And mad.   And annoyed.

At the same time, by year two, I remembered how hard it always was to find the "right" card for my mom with whom I had an often tumultuous relationship.  I began to watch people reading Mother's Day cards and found it fascinating.  Pick up a card, put it back, over and over and over.  I wasn't the only one with a difficult relationship with my mom.  Been there...done that...didn't miss it.  

But I missed having a mom.  

Cut to my 5th Mother's Day without a mom...and the day is certainly still a trigger.  But time does heal.  Well...time and a lot of therapy.  ;)

I am much more capable of enjoying Mother's Day as a mother.  I am able to handle Facebook posts...for the most part...I know when it's too much and when I am triggered.

Over the past few months I have copied and pasted my entire blog from when my mom was sick (see above link) into a word document.  My intent is to bind it somehow...potentially make a book out of it...for me to have and keep.  It was powerful to read through each and every post and to remember where I was back then...and how far I've come.  It's still painful, but my mom's death was life changing for me.  As the death of a mom should be.  I've learned so much about myself.  I am incredibly stronger.  I am proud of who I am today.  There was a time in my life when I couldn't imagine the world without my mom.  Now, I've managed 4 and 1/2 rotations around the sun without her.  And the world is still a beautiful place.

I won't lie...there have been experiences in my life that I desperately wished I could share with my mom.  My Bachelor's Degree being a big one.  I know how proud she would have been.  I will  have my Master's Degree in 4 months.  I will miss not sharing this with my mom.  There are a lot of things I want to call and talk to her about.  At the same time, I have also had experiences when I thought, "Gosh, I'm so glad I don't have to talk to mom about this".  She and I had different ideas about things.  Choices I made were not always ones she approved of...and I spent most of my life trying to get her approval.  I don't have to do that anymore.  My choices are mine.  My life is mine.  And that's pretty damn freeing.  

Along those lines, because of those experiences with my mom, I am determined that my children will know I love and support them ALWAYS...through any decision they choose to make...whether it is one that I agree with or not.  Their lives are not mine to live.  They get to make their own choices and I will always, always, always love them.  Period.  I hope they never stay awake at night worrying about my reaction to a decision in their life.  I don't know...maybe everyone does that...but I want my kids to know that I will always support them.  I will always be their safety net.  Always.  No judgement.  It is not my place to judge.  It is my place to love and support them.  

My mom loved me.  But she took a lot of my decisions and wondered how they reflected on her.  And they simply didn't.  But I understand how easy it is to carry those feelings as a mother and I give her grace for that.

But the reality is...I don't have to make her proud of me anymore.  And I will never disappoint her again.  And that's big in my life.  What a difference 4 and 1/2 years makes.  

On the 4th anniversary of her death last October, I walked upstairs to find both the touch lamps on in the master bedroom.  Olly and I rarely touch those things.  And I had never seen them both on before.  There had been no weird weather activity or a low lying plane to cause any shaking in the house.  Yet, there they were...both on, shining bright.  And instantly, I just had this sense that it was mom.  And that she was saying good-bye.  She was affirming that I was okay without her now.  It was an incredibly strong feeling.  And since that day, I haven't felt her around.  I don't sense that she is nearby as I had before.  And, although I missed that feeling at the beginning, it quickly felt as though I was lighter.  Mom knew I was okay without her.  And she was able to finally be free.  I believe she knew that I understood her better.  I understood her demons and her struggles and she knew that we simply understood each other better after her death than we did during her life.  

And so here we are on the 1st Mother's Day since that day.  And yes...it's a trigger.  And yes, there will likely always be the feeling that something is missing.  But this Mother's Day is different.  There is so much more peace.  This year I can enjoy my boys and enjoy just being their mom.  And I can honor my mom for giving me life.  For doing her best.  For not being perfect.  And for lighting the path on so many lessons I needed to learn.

I found this article and enjoyed the 10 ideas to keep a memory alive.  Mother's Day Without Your Mother  I have my own ways...I donate to hospice every year.  I like the idea of an act of kindness.  My mom was an incredibly giving person and yet, never felt like she deserved the same kindness.  We all deserve kindness.  My mom deserved a lot more than she got.  

So, here I sit on the eve of my 5th Mother's Day weekend without my mom.  And gratefully, these past years have held so much growth.  I have learned so much about myself and my mom.  I have become stronger than I ever could have imagined I could be.  I still have a lot of work to do, but the fact that I've come this far in 4 & 1/2 years is important and powerful.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there.  If you are someone without a mom this year, or if you have a mom with whom you have a difficult relationship, or you have an absent mother, honor wherever you are in that process and know you are not alone.  Without our mothers none of us would be here.  I am of the belief that we all pick our mothers because they are the one to best be able to teach us the life lessons we need to learn.  I know my mom did that for me, although it took me many, many years to understand the lessons.

On Sunday, my 12 year old and I will make his special macaroni and cheese together.  And I will laugh.  And I will enjoy this time with my children.  And I will send up a little shout out to my mom for giving me this life and this opportunity to become a mother myself and to be blessed with the amazing gift of my two children.   

I wish you all an opportunity to find laughter and joy this Mother's Day.