Reflections

So, here it is...the day after our trip.  I DID IT!  I flew both ways and I lived.  ;)  Okay...I was "pretty" sure I was going to live, but there were definitely moments when I kinda wasn't.  

Quick thoughts on the SOAR program.  I do feel as though it worked for me.  These two flights were significantly different than the four flights we took back in October of 2012.  I still wouldn't say that I like flying...but there weren't as many tears shed this time around.  And most that were shed were in the terminal, before the flight...instead of on the plane.  And really, the only tears shed on the plane were because people were being so nice to me and it touched my heart.  And really...that's what I think is what I learned the most on this trip...but I'll get to that in a minute.

I believe the entire SOAR program worked for me.  It helped me understand how planes work and that was HUGE for me on the flights.  Takeoffs and landings are still not enjoyable for me, but I understand how it all works better now.  Turbulence is also still not enjoyable, but I also understand it.  I repeated to myself often, "Turbulence is not a problem for a plane, it's only a problem for the passengers".  I also used the exercises in the program quite often to ground myself and bring myself back to NOW instead of letting my very awesome anxiety tell the amazing stories it knows how to tell.  And I did not have ONE panic attack.  I thought I was getting close at one point, but was able to stop it in its tracks.

The day after we returned from North Carolina 2 1/2 years ago, I was NEVER getting on a plane again.  I don't feel that way right now and that's what is really important to me.  Again...I don't "like" flying (yet)...and yes...I still sat on the plane in one position with my legs shaking most the flight home, but that was in great part to it being dark and me losing my bearings...I wasn't quite as prepared for that as I would have liked. BUT...I still feel like I could get on a plane again.  And for me...that is HUGE.  It changes my life really.  It opens up a world that I couldn't even imagine before.  And it's a start.   I still have a LOT of work to do.  But I'm ahead of where I was after my last flight.  :)

And so, I feel the program was worth all the time and money.  However, I am also going to say that I had the absolute best support system ever for this trip.  And for me...that was a vital aspect of my emotional survival.  The SOAR program prepared me...my friends and my team of support "doula-ed" me through it.  And I need to address all that.  

The Alaska Airlines staff was INCREDIBLE.  There's no other way to describe it.  I met the pilots both ways and the pilot on the way home went WAY above and beyond and boarded me first and took me into the cockpit.  Here's proof: 

This picture still makes me cry.  Look how invested he is in me.  And THAT is what got me throughout this trip.  Complete strangers became invested in me.  Truly invested.  My flight home was amazing.  Every single flight attendant checked on me numerous times.  I was invited to hang out in the galley with them (which I didn't do because I couldn't move my legs).  The pilots made extra announcements during the flight that were clearly for me.  Every time we hit turbulence, they'd come over the intercom to explain it was normal.  When we landed, I got a shout out from the pilots, "Good Job Kelli" over the intercom and they stopped me on the way out of the plane to ask me how the flight was and told me they made sure the landing was nice and smooth for me.  They truly took me under their wing (no pun intended) and gave me sincere care and compassion.  Absolute complete strangers did this for me.  

And then there were my friends.  Oh my gosh, I have no way to explain what awesome friends I have.  I had continuous texts and FB messages throughout the flight.  I had friends making me laugh and I had friends reminding me that I could do this exactly when I needed it.  For those of you reading this who did all this for me...you simply have NO idea what all that did for me.  How many times I laughed out loud or had tears run down my face because you gave me encouragement just when I needed it.  You called me brave and courageous and you told me you were proud of me.  And although I didn't feel brave or courageous at the time, I do now.  In part because you believed in me.

And that's where this hits me.  I'm not going to go into my whole story, but over the past 10 years I have been working very hard on myself.  In the past 3 or 4 I have had HUGE epiphanies.  HUGE.  I have found a lot of forgiveness for myself and others and I have truly been shown my old stories that I've been carrying around for a long time.  And the main one is simply that I'm not worthy.  That I don't belong here. I know why I feel that way and it's an old story and one that I know I no longer have to carry.  Honestly, one that I thought I had quit carrying until one of those epiphanies showed me how much that was not true.  It is a constant, daily process for me to remember that I AM worthy.  Some days I've got it...others...when fear and anxiety creep up, remind me that there is work to do.  This trip gave me many reminders.  :)  Honestly, it's why I'm good at the work I do because I always want to make sure that every other human being I come into contact with knows THEY are worthy.

Thus, to experience the care I received over the last couple of weeks...how so many people made it so very clear to me that I AM worthy was just incredibly overwhelming.  The amount of care that was given to me made it abundantly obvious that I belong here...and that I am worthy.  People stopped what they were doing in their lives to text me or FB me or track my entire flight (4 hours each way).  People just going about their day doing their jobs took time for me, a stranger, to let me know that they cared about me.  That makes it pretty damn obvious that I am worthy and I belong here on this round planet we call Earth.  

I was seen.  In all my vulnerability and fear...I was seen.  And not judged.  But instead...protected and cared for.  I allowed myself to be raw and vulnerable and shake off my strong, tough exterior and in doing so, I was surrounded by love and care.  By friends and strangers alike.  This is what I ask of my clients in my office.  This is what I know assists with healing.  When those walls come down and we go to the hard, dark, scary parts of our stories...that's when the big stuff happens.  And thus...if I ask it of my clients, it's important I do it myself.  So, I did.  And it was scary and hard.  And then big stuff happened.  :)   

Sure...I powered through a huge fear of flying.  I AM proud of myself for that.  But I also powered through a much larger fear.  The fear that being exactly who I am isn't good enough.  But...you see..it is.  For me.  For you.  For everyone.  This world seems to require us to change who we are to survive.  To not show the "real" us.  To suppress feelings.  To hide.  It's what causes us to judge others because everyone is simply a mirror.  And I'm determined that when someone looks into their own mirror when they look at me...they see genuineness.  I saw genuineness yesterday in my friends and in strangers.  And it is a beautiful thing.

I AM worthy.  I DO belong here.  I have so much to do here.  And I can do it as who I am...not some one who suppresses feelings or emotions or old stories, but who takes each day, one by one and accepts the good stuff and the hard stuff all as simply information...not to be judged.  Just lived.

I have doula-ed many families through the birth of their babies.  I have held space.  I have genuinely cared for and believed in these families.  Birth brings those old stories to the forefront and I have watched countless women find their vulnerability and face those stories and push through them as they birthed their babies.  I sit in my office day after day and hold space for people as they peel back their layers as I have peeled back mine.  As I say over and over, I'm no different than they are, I'm simply further down my path.  The vulnerability that my clients bring to my office is powerful and profound and remarkable to witness.  I have been honored to work with so many people as they have experienced their own pieces of their life journey.  Over the past 10 days, I was blessed to be on the other side with so many people holding my space and supporting me as I peeled back another layer...a BIG one...one that I've been hanging on to for a LONG time.  

Maybe it's just a vacation hangover, but I feel different today.  There aren't really words to describe it.  But I'm certainly more ME today than I was 10 days ago.  And that's big stuff.

So...sure...it was a vacation...but I'm kind of exhausted today as this vacation felt like a lot of work in more ways than one.  SO much fun was had.  I had such a great time spending 10 full days with my family of 5.  I miss Blake today as he's back in school and I miss Olly who is back at work.  I know that this might have been the last big family vacation I'll ever take with Jonathan and that's a hard one to swallow.  But...that is another big challenge of mine...letting go of my oldest son whose wings are getting bigger and bigger.  And I firmly believe that had I not been willing to go through my own journey and face my own fears and handle my own challenges...especially those in the last 5 years, I wouldn't be able to face this next big one of letting my oldest baby go.  It won't be easy.  But I've done "not easy"...a lot...and I've come out the other side.  I'll do it again.

And all that...from one simple family vacation to deep in the heart of Texas.  Who knew a video game convention would open up such deep life lessons.  :)  So, let me end this with a HUGE thank you to each and every one of you who held space for me, texted me, FB'd me, e-mailed me, and simply supported me through this process.  What you gave to me was an incredible gift that will never be forgotten.

And now...on to the next challenge...Bring It, Driver's Ed!  ;)

Summarized Thoughts of SOAR Program

So, I did it.  I completed the entire program.  Not only did I read the book from cover to cover, but I completed all 11 DVDs.  And I'm currently loading the Take Me Along CD on to my iPhone.  

While loading this CD, I'm listening to it.  There is significant discussion about anti-anxiety meds which I found quite interesting.  As a very anti-med person, this isn't an option for me and I do believe with Capt. Bunn's opinion that all we have learned in this program is SO much more powerful than anti-anxiety meds.  

Capt. Bunn also addresses anticipatory anxiety and that there is not much that can be done about that.  He says even the most experienced performers often still get anxious before a show, but once they're on stage they are fine.  I know many childbirth educators that feel this way as well.  Capt. Bunn mentions that some performers feel that on the days they didn't have anticipatory anxiety, they didn't perform as well.  There is something in that anxiety that actually helps us perform better, or in this case, fly on a plane.  We should expect and welcome anticipatory anxiety, just not let it get too out of control and practice one of the exercises we learned in the program.  I've already used this exercise in other stressful situations in my life and find it works well.  It's really all about mindfulness and being in THIS moment.

Capt. Bunn mentions that we should plan to keep our mind busy and to bring along books or games or knitting.  I already have several books I'll be bringing along with me on the plane.  Reading didn't really work for me on my last set of flights, but I'm hopeful with all I now know, these two flights will be different.  The goal is to stay out of "what if" and stay in the "what is".  

The remaining tracks on this CD are to be used at different times of the flight...arriving at the airport, an exercise while in the airport, in the boarding area, waiting to board, meeting the pilot, when settled in your seat, climb and cruise and landing.  I did listen to them all... they're all review of the program, but to listen to as you're moving your way through the flight.

I basically said a lot of my feelings through the past posts of each DVD, but I just have to say, every single penny, and every single minute, I have spent on this program is worth it.  You don't just get DVDs, but countless e-mails...all of which I have printed and are bringing with me...split up by topic so I can quickly access on the flight as well.  Plus, you get access to Capt. Bunn.  He replies personally to e-mails and there is a message board on the site on which he is very active.  This is such an amazingly thorough program.  I would recommend it to anyone.  Again...I'm not getting commission or kick-backs.  I just truly love this program.  Of course, I guess the real test will come in a couple of weeks and, I'll definitely report back then.  

The next couple of weeks will include some anticipatory anxiety, I'm sure.  I'm going to be asking for help from people to keep me in their thoughts and to provide me support as I take on conquering this pretty enormous fear of mine.  But, so far, I'm feeling much more confident than I ever thought I could.  This book in conjunction with my own personal therapy WILL help me through these next two flights.  I am confident of that.  I know it won't be perfect, but I'm shooting for much improved.

Time is counting down.  It's getting close.  And I CAN DO THIS! :)

DVD #11 - At The Airport - Staying Connected with The Ground

DVD #11 is called Staying Connected with The Ground.  This is actually the last DVD as DVD #12 is a DVD to load on to an iPod or iPhone to take with us on the plane.  So, let's do this thing...

Capt. Bunn starts by discussing physical and emotional presence as ways to stay in touch with people and discusses how when we're babies, the only one that matters is physical presence.  By about 8 months, babies understand that even if a thing is gone, it still exists.  This is called object permanence.

So, to feel secure, we need to understand that the people we love will return or that we can return to them even when we can't see them.  Capt. Bunn goes through this entire idea and then helps us understand that if we don't have a connection to the ground, then when we lose connection with the ground, we can actually panic.  So, this DVD will give us an exercise to make sure that we always are connected to the ground and know we will return to it.  Being that we're flying at night on the way home, this will likely be a good exercise for me.  

Capt. Bunn explains that a pilot never feels out of contact with the ground because they know every signal that they get to guide them safely from one airport to another is from the ground.  The pilot knows the means to return physically to the ground.

When we drive a car, we use our eye for landmarks to get to where we're going.  Pilots do the same with different visual cues.  Today, the navigation in a cockpit looks a lot like the navigation in a car if you have a GPS system.  He then goes on to explain all the controls and how exactly pilots know where they are going.  One of the things I definitely appreciated was the explanation of why planes can land in thick fog.  He even shows a plane landing in the fog.  Again...flying in the dark and in the winter, I definitely have some concern about weather.  But Capt. Bunn keeps reminding me that weather is NOT an issue in flying.  

One of the things Capt. Bunn says freaks me out a little, but he makes it sound so routine that I just have to believe in him.  As the plane is landing in the fog, items are being pointed out to us on the screen...the lights...where the runway begins and the touchdown point.  Capt. Bunn says that if at this point, the pilot still can't see the runway, he will abort the landing...just 50 feet off the ground.  Wow!  That idea scares the heck out of me.  But again, Capt. Bunn makes it sound very routine.  :o

Capt. Bunn's point in all this is that the pilots ALWAYS have contact with the ground, even when they can't see it.  They can always find their spot to touch down on the runway.  

We now are going to see several takeoff, cruise, landing sets to help us maintain security that the pilots are always in touch with the ground in very precise ways.  He reminds that no matter the weather conditions, the plane always follows the signals on the ground...through physical contact with the ground, electric contact with the ground and back to physical contact with the ground.  Capt. Bunn is establishing in our minds that every takeoff is followed by a landing.  He says bad weather is a "thing of the past".  Again...a much needed reminder of me.  He goes on to say that "in aviation, we leave nothing to chance" and that the navigation signals are so precise, but still, the pilots always are certain they see the runway visually just before landing...and it "always is".  But as he stated above...if for some reason, the pilot couldn't see the runway, he or she can abort the landing 50 ft from the ground.

These videos are good for me.  There are take offs and landings in all kinds of weather including thick fog and in POURING rain.  We see the visual aspects and the electronic aspects of all of it.  I still don't think I would enjoy flying in any of this, but I do better understand it now which helps with the anxiety.  There is one landing in very bright sun right and they are landing in the middle of a mountainous area.  I have no idea where the runway is. I just see lots of mountains and it looks like they're flying right into them.  :o  They fly what seems like very low and for a long time and I find myself watching this video like it's an action movie and I don't know what's going to happen.  Obviously the plane is going to land fine, otherwise that would be a terrible ending to this entire program! ;) But, I'm still tense and trying to find the runway.  Then the plane does a 360 and heads back the other way and I can hear an alarm saying "banking" which freaks me out, then the plane straightens out and in the distance I can see the runway but it looks too far away.  There are buildings and roads and houses and it looks as though the plane is going to land right on them.  I hear "100" announced and know that's 100 feet and they seem SO close to buildings and then, they land as normal on the runway.  I kind of want to applaud except I know this was just a completely normal and average landing for them.  This plane taxis all the way to the gate and this DVD ends, as does the program.

Whew...I did it.  I completed the program.  I'll compile my summarized thoughts in another post.