As I sit to write this, I can't help but wonder where the last 15 years have gone. At the same time, I can't even remember what my life was like before you. Today is the first birthday of yours where I won't see you. That's what happens when you have divorced parents. I thought I had prepared for today, but I have to admit, it's still extremely hard. And yet, I know that this is just another lesson in letting go. I won't always have you with me on your birthday. In fact in a few years most of your birthdays for the remainder of your life will likely be without me. But this first one gives me a little stab in the heart for sure.
Lately I have seen a lot of posts going around Facebook by adults who have written open letters to their children with messages for them. I haven't agreed with all of them, although have certainly loved a few. I considered writing one to you today myself, but instead I decided to do the opposite. Below are some of the lessons that YOU have taught me in the past 15 years. For as I have said, more times than I can count...I believe I have learned more from you than I likely will ever be able to teach you.
So, these are just a few of the lessons off the top of my head:
* From nearly the moment you arrived, you taught me that motherhood was nothing that I thought it would be. I still say that I was the greatest mother before I had children. I thought I knew everything, when in reality, I knew NOTHING.
* You taught me the meaning of true, unconditional love.
* You showed me how little sleep a person can get and still survive.
* You taught me how much entertainment can come from one cup of flour (and how long it takes to clean up said entertainment).
* You let me know that inside of me is a town that was built by you when you were there. It's boarded up now, and I'm pretty sure I can feel the tumbleweeds sometimes, but it once housed you, and then your brother. That gift of imagination was priceless.
* You taught me how judgmental I once was. You helped me see that we're all doing the best we can with what we have in this world and that one should not judge lest she be judged.
* You helped me find my inner strength. You pushed me to make choices in order to do what was best for you regardless of other's opinions.
* In an emergency room at Midnight with a toddler in nothing but a diaper, running a fever and struggling to breathe, you unleashed the roaring mother bear inside of me.
* You taught me that responding to your every need would NOT, in fact, raise a dependent child, but instead would foster great independence.
* You made it clear that Happy Birthday is not a song that everyone loves.
* I learned that picking clovers is a great way to spend time in right field while playing t-ball...even better than stopping any potential ball that comes your way. Through this lesson, I was shown that my dreams aren't yours and that the baseball gene skipped a generation.
* Through you, I learned that video games aren't evil and that in the hands of a grounded human being, they can be educational, fun, and a stepping stone to learning how to build a gaming computer from scratch.
* I learned that children absolutely will learn what they need to know when they need to know it.
* In an orthopedic office, with a pre-teen with a badly broken arm, you showed me your incredible inner strength. And that you didn't need me to hold your hand anymore.
* You tried valiantly to teach me that turbulence on a plane is nothing to be afraid of. And that sitting next to your mom while she is freaking out on said plane is embarrassing. Sorry about that one...
* You have shown me how to speak one's truth. Your ability to be true to who you are, even in the face of strong opposition is humbling and inspiring.
* You have taught me that there is simply no need for countless toppings on a pizza and that the simple joy of a cheese pizza is lost on most people.
* I have learned that nearly everything people told me about the teen years is just as false as the messages I received before becoming a mom. I LOVE having a strong-willed, passionate, self-assured teenager. Our conversations and debates are some of my favorite times. Your quirky sense of humor makes me laugh every day. I appreciate that we can respect each other's differences and know that it's okay that we don't always agree with each other.
* And nearly every day Jonathan, you teach me that you are not mine forever. That from the day you were born, every day was, and continues to be, one more day of you moving away from me. And that my job has always been to give you a foundation, a safety net, and wings. All the rest is fluff and often smoke and mirrors.
You, my son, are one of the most incredible human beings I know. You are your own person and I love the young man you have become. I get such joy out of watching you continue to grow and evolve. Now that you are 6 feet tall and significantly taller than me, I look up to you both literally and figuratively. I am immensely proud to be your mother. I know this next year comes with driver's ed and yet another path to take you even further away from me. And yes, there is a large part of my heart that breaks as you move further and further down that path. But I also know from all my lessons over the past 15 years, that the reason you can continue to stretch your wings is because your foundation is strong. You know that safety net exists if necessary. And you know that no matter how far you fly away, I will always be here waiting with arms outstretched, to welcome you back to the roost whenever the winds blow you back home for a visit.
But give me just a few more years okay? :)
Happy Birthday my wonderful Jonathan Michael. I love you more every single day. Thank you for teaching me how to be your mom and how to be a better person each and every day. Although today is filled with presents for you, the greatest gift was given to me 15 years ago when you were placed in my arms. It has been a truly blessed decade and a half. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom. :)
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