~ Be warned. This post may be a little "woo-woo" for some of you. I realize to some, a toothache is just a toothache, but I am a firm believer in the mind-body connection. Take it all for what it's worth. It's just my own personal experience that I need to get out of my head. ~
Yep. All of it.
It's all about the lessons.
The past few weeks have held a strong learning curve for me. I have had a section of teeth that have been giving me problems for about 2 years now. I had a tooth crowned that I knew I was going to revisit because of how much it hurt to put on the permanent crown and how much they had to numb me to work on it. But for a while, it sat dormant with just an occasional twinge.
Then last April, I found myself in quite a bit of pain. I went to the dentist, they referred me to an Endodontist and then the pain went away and I applauded myself for my ability to heal myself through the power of my incredible mind. ;) Truth is, I know that the upper right section of teeth is linked both to outwardly expressing yourself in the world and to issues with your father. It made sense that they were bothering me last April when I was in the process of moving my dad. So, I acknowledged the stress I was under and the work I was doing and TA-DA, I "fixed" my teeth! I.AM.AWESOME!
Oh, how the universe must have laughed at that. See, #4 above...A Lesson is Repeated Until It is Learned. There was more learning to be done here.
Cut to a couple of months ago when that area started bugging me again. Darn. But I thought, "Okay...just have to work through my stuff again and heal it". And let me tell you...I tried. I worked and worked and worked and worked and worked. And the pain just increased. I found myself in my dentist's chair unable to stop the tears from rolling down my face. I was desperate. The pain was breaking me. I came out with another Endodontist referral and I STILL thought I could figure this out on my own. I even went through a full energetic healing course for an entire weekend (not to heal my tooth, but thought I would probably figure it out along the way) and still came out hurting. What the hell? What was I doing wrong? I know how to do this stuff. I am mighty and powerful. Or wait...how come I feel so small and scared? What was I missing here? Where was my voice? Instead of feeling strong, I began to feel weaker and weaker and smaller and confused and scared and felt like I lost my voice entirely. What in the hell was happening? Why couldn't I figure this out? The more I tried, the more frustrated I became as the pain increased.
And then I was given a gift. The gift that said, "Maybe the lesson here is in surrendering...not fighting". SURRENDER. There it was again. The word that haunts me and insists I listen.
"When we try to control, we become controlled; when we release, we become free." ~ Bryant McGill
And so I called the Endodontist on April 1st. Only to find out he was leaving on vacation the following week and they didn't have any room for me until he got back. Okay, that's fine, I thought. I can tough it out until then and it gives me another two weeks to figure it all out myself. Yeah...that's perfect. I made the appointment, but still have time to figure it out myself. I'll probably cancel the appointment.
And then the universe laughed some more.
And the pain increased. And increased. And increased. And this past weekend, I finally was broken. I was raw and vulnerable and thought I was losing my mind. I couldn't think about anything but the pain. I worked all day Saturday, but I'm not sure how. I was in a fog of pain. And I was SO mad. April is a month of celebrating in my family. My wedding anniversary is the 10th, Olly's birthday is the 20th. My birthday is the 30th. We have a weekend away planned at the end of the month. WHY now? WHY? Oh how the self-pity set in. And the self-defeating thoughts. I felt small and weak and alone and simply a broken shell of myself.
And then I heard a message that came down loud and clear. Why are you suffering?
Good lord, why was I suffering? And the floodgates opened...because I am a caregiver, not a taker. My role in life is to help others find peace. Everyone else must come first. Don't take care of yourself. Take care of others. And the repeated message that I have been getting my entire life...you are not worthy...of love, of care, of peace, of anything. It was a volcano of erupting old stories. And then the lessons...How can you help anyone find peace if you don't allow it in to your own life? How can you love others if you don't love yourself? You cannot continue to give if you never receive. Well, I know all of that, but I have to take care of my dad and my family and my clients and my classes and blah, blah, blah, blah....How does your tooth feel?
And I told my brain to shut the hell up. I was not going to think my way through this anymore. I was going to feel. And my brain told me that we don't like to feel. And I told it to shut up. And I surrendered. Inside a dark, black, cold, isolated, painful space, I surrendered.
Yesterday morning, I called another Endodontist. They got me in immediately. I went through a couple of painful tests to identify the tooth and the tears flowed in yet another dentist chair. I told the dental assistant to numb me a lot. I didn't want to feel anything. Four injections later, I was out of pain for the first time in a LONG time. The epinephrine in the injections made me super shaky, but I didn't care. Bring it on. My brain came in and said "your heart is racing" and I told it to shut up. I surrendered. I didn't need those messages anymore. And then the tooth was opened up and the dentist exclaimed, "Wow...your tooth is MAD" and he had to take a picture of what he saw. And when I saw it, I audibly gasped, put my hands over my mouth and started to cry. That tooth held so much suffering. It took so much for me. It took all my lessons that I didn't want to learn and it held them until the volcano of lessons needed a way to explode and that hole drilled into the tooth allowed them out.
I am not ignoring the fact that the section of my mouth tied in to outward expression of my place in the world now has 3 root canals. I am not ignoring the fact that I am numbing that part of my mouth. I know that the lesson will find another way to come out if I think I can numb it. I take that very, very seriously. And now, I can actually work on the lesson...without the pain. And the first lesson I had to learn AGAIN was to surrender.
Medical technology exists for a reason. I may not believe in a lot of it. But a lot of people don't believe what I believe in either. And both beliefs are fine. But there are truths to both beliefs. And yesterday, medical technology came to my rescue to relieve me of pain and allow me to move forward and learn my lessons inside a whole body instead of one that was withering away in pain.
I ache today. A root canal is not a simple procedure. It's an invasion. But for me, it was also a release and I fully feel healing taking place. Healing of my tooth, but healing of my heart too. I learned the lesson of surrender. I learned that I must take care of myself in order to take care of others. I learned that I am worthy of that care. Those lessons may come around again. In fact, I am pretty sure they will. But each time I learn them, the next time around is a little quicker. And ideally, the lessons come with much less pain. That is the goal. #9 - The Answers Lie Inside You.
On a side note...my office looked pretty slow this month. I was a bit worried about that even though I always know there is an ebb and flow to a counseling practice. But I realize now, I needed the slow time to allow myself the ability to have time to get the help I needed. Suddenly, once the surrender took place, I have been getting a new inquiry every few days, clients are reaching out for appointment times, and my calendar is filling up again. The universe is no longer laughing at me, but smiling along with me as I move forward out of that terribly difficult stuck place I was in.
And so now it is time to heal. Time to smile. Time to re-immerse myself in the month of celebrations. Time to enjoy. Time to live in the now and not in the stories of the past.
"When you surrender to what is and so become fully present, the past ceases to have any power. You do not need it anymore. Presence is the key. Now is the key". ~ Eckhart Tolle
Here's to Now. :)
